I Wish I Didn’t Have to Go

You wouldn’t necessarily know it by the title, but this topic is a bit of a sensitive one with me. It involves so much more than just accurate communication or figuring out how to say the right thing. When I say, “I wish I didn’t have to go.” There is much more that I really mean and none of it actually has anything to do with my desire to go somewhere. Are you confused yet?

I wish I didn’t have to go

We all make plans to do things, dinner with friends, award banquets for kids, even dates with our significant others. When the plans are made, I have every desire and intention to go. But when the time comes to “get ready” I find myself saying the inevitable, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

It requires too much energy that I don’t have

I sit there on my bed, anticipating the energy required to get up, shower, pick an outfit, and look presentable. Not only that, but the necessary energy to get there, set aside the inevitable sensory overload of sights and sounds, and appear normal. The task feels insurmountable. I find myself still sitting on my bed, reluctant to move, muttering, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

I understand your anger

It is easy to see why this might make someone angry and upset. After all, who wouldn’t want to go out to a lovely dinner with dear friends? Who wouldn’t want to proudly watch their child receive a well-deserved award? And the idea of a date night with my hubby? That’s the stuff dreams are made of my friend. Yet, this is all I can think of to say when the time comes to actually go, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

It has nothing to do with my desire to go

Of all the things that I find myself routinely saying, this is by far the least accurate. The truth of the matter is that it actually has nothing at all to do with my desire to go. It has nothing to do with how much I love or care for the person I have plans with. Whether plans were made 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months in advance with the best of intentions. The daunting task of simply completing the activity sometimes just feels too overwhelming to even contemplate.

All the guilt in the world, contained in a statement

So what do I do when faced with the “simple” task of following through on my plans? I sit on my bed and wish I didn’t have to go. I have found that actually saying this out loud can lead to all sorts of arguments and misunderstandings. People take it personally (and honestly, how could they not?) thinking that the reason that I wish I didn’t have to go had something to do with them.

They think that I’m not interested in supporting my child, or catching up with my friends when really, nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe IF they knew the sheer amount of willpower that it takes to get out and do things, they would know how much I DO love them. Yet I sit there, not knowing how to voice all of these thoughts and the only thing that seems to come out is, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

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