I Wish I Didn’t Have to Go

You wouldn’t necessarily know it by the title, but this topic is a bit of a sensitive one with me. It involves so much more than just accurate communication or figuring out how to say the right thing. When I say, “I wish I didn’t have to go.” There is much more that I really mean and none of it actually has anything to do with my desire to go somewhere. Are you confused yet?

I wish I didn’t have to go

We all make plans to do things, dinner with friends, award banquets for kids, even dates with our significant others. When the plans are made, I have every desire and intention to go. But when the time comes to “get ready” I find myself saying the inevitable, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

It requires too much energy that I don’t have

I sit there on my bed, anticipating the energy required to get up, shower, pick an outfit, and look presentable. Not only that, but the necessary energy to get there, set aside the inevitable sensory overload of sights and sounds, and appear normal. The task feels insurmountable. I find myself still sitting on my bed, reluctant to move, muttering, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

I understand your anger

It is easy to see why this might make someone angry and upset. After all, who wouldn’t want to go out to a lovely dinner with dear friends? Who wouldn’t want to proudly watch their child receive a well-deserved award? And the idea of a date night with my hubby? That’s the stuff dreams are made of my friend. Yet, this is all I can think of to say when the time comes to actually go, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

It has nothing to do with my desire to go

Of all the things that I find myself routinely saying, this is by far the least accurate. The truth of the matter is that it actually has nothing at all to do with my desire to go. It has nothing to do with how much I love or care for the person I have plans with. Whether plans were made 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months in advance with the best of intentions. The daunting task of simply completing the activity sometimes just feels too overwhelming to even contemplate.

All the guilt in the world, contained in a statement

So what do I do when faced with the “simple” task of following through on my plans? I sit on my bed and wish I didn’t have to go. I have found that actually saying this out loud can lead to all sorts of arguments and misunderstandings. People take it personally (and honestly, how could they not?) thinking that the reason that I wish I didn’t have to go had something to do with them.

They think that I’m not interested in supporting my child, or catching up with my friends when really, nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe IF they knew the sheer amount of willpower that it takes to get out and do things, they would know how much I DO love them. Yet I sit there, not knowing how to voice all of these thoughts and the only thing that seems to come out is, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

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Comments

View Comments (4)
  • imschmarte
    11 months ago

    Oh Leanne! You nailed this one! I too, everything I plan for, wish I didn’t have to go once the time is here. I have a cousin, who always plans big barbque’s every summer, and bonfires in the fall. I am always on the guest list, and he plans the day around my schedule, so I am locked in to going. But every time the day comes, I wish I didn’t have to go! LOL But I went, because no one understood what I was going through. And paid for it the next day. Last year, his sister was diagnosed with RA and fibro. NOW they understand what people like us go through. And for the very first time, I was able to call and say, I wish I could come, but I feel awful today. What a freeing thing! If only I could make everyone else understand!! Great post!!

  • lydiamene
    11 months ago

    I know there are times I don’t feel like going places and I no longer promise to be somewhere. I always say it depends on how I’m feeling then. I have learned to be very honest because if I go somewhere and I don’t feel well, I pay for it big time the next day or next few days. I have actually been bedridden because of it. If I miss an awards ceremony I’m actually okay with that and so are the grandkids because they understand that grandma is sick.

  • Angiebabe55
    11 months ago

    oh that horrid feeling, I really ought to go, I have my train ticket, I want to see my grandchildren so much and I promised to look after them for my daughter. Panic PANIC, dread and misery and GUILT. My case is packed the home is sorted, I just want to stay in bed and forget it. The answer for me is Codeine. It takes all the panic away and allows me to go. A week of no pain or depression follows with all the fun of the kids. Ho,me again and it all comes back. But now its ok. No more appointments for a month.

  • lydiamene
    11 months ago

    That’s scary. But we all have to handle our pains and troubles the best way possible. The pull of grandchildren is real.

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