Dark Mornings: Will It Be Pain or Guilt Today?

I wake up every morning. I should be grateful for that at least. In the darkness, I open my eyes just like every morning, to pain. Every morning, I should remind myself that I get another day. I should remind myself to be grateful just to be able to get out of bed. I should push through the ever-present morning pains. I should find the beauty in the sunrise and in all the blessings that I have.

Dark mornings

But right now, right at this moment, in the early hours of the morning, it is just too hard. All I see around me is the darkness of morning. It is too hard to get out of bed and do what I should do. All I feel is pain. All I see in front of me is an endless day filled with things I “should do” and I’m just so, so, so very tired.

The not-so-bright side of life

It is not often that I write about these feelings that come in the early hours of the morning from waking up every single day with psoriatic arthritis pain and fatigue. I don’t like to think about these feelings that I keep tucked neatly away in the corners of my heart and mind. I ignore these dark parts of me that I try desperately to keep them hidden from those I love the most. All the while, I work tirelessly focusing on the positive just to make it to the end of the day. But, sometimes I am just so, so, so very tired.

Give, give, give

I love my husband and children more than I could ever say. They deserve the absolute best of everything that I have to give and I try so hard every single day to keep the pains of my PsA life from touching them. I power through each hour, pushing my body beyond what I ever thought I could do, to give everything I have to them. In these dark hours of the morning I’m not sure. I don’t know if I have anything left to give and the day hasn’t even started yet.

Choices

I hate the choice I have to make every morning. I can either push myself past extreme pain or say “no” and risk the guilt of disappointing those I love the most. I wish the choice wasn’t nearly as black and white as that. But living with the day to day life of PsA, I’ve learned that it really is simply that black and white most days. Pain or guilt, which will it be today? I close my eyes. I have to decide.

As the sun begins to come up on another day and the morning isn’t quite so dark, I make my choice. Today, I will continue on. Today, I will do what I should do. Today,  I will focus not on the darkness of the morning, but on the light of the sun. My choice is made for today.