I'm Done Punishing Myself

I was extremely miserable during the first 12 years of my chronic life.  Psoriatic arthritis, fibromyalgia, and a couple of other chronic conditions came close to destroying me both physically and emotionally.  I couldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to be around me at that time, because I didn’t even want to be near me.  Then one day something clicked in my head and I realized that I was to blame for much of the emotional anguish that was ruining my life.

The dark age

During those 12 years, I was punishing myself.  Although I didn’t see it at the time, it was true. I couldn’t permit myself to enjoy anything whether I was flaring or not. When I would experience a good day, I wouldn’t allow myself to do something fun if I hadn’t been able to fulfill all of my commitments during the past week or month.  I couldn’t even enjoy my favorite television shows when flaring. It was like I didn’t deserve to do something I wanted.  Unfortunately, this mindset would feed my anger, depression, and feeling of worthlessness.

Giving myself a break

It has been five years since I made this discovery.  Since then I have learned that it is okay to enjoy life.  Just because my chronic illness that has stolen much of my physical life, it doesn’t have to steal my emotional health too.  I learned that it is okay to laugh when I am in pain, my emotional and physical state don’t have to match.  In 2014, I put a stop to punishing myself and began rewarding myself.  I allowed myself to smile, laugh, and have fun! I let go of the guilt I felt for watching Netflix all day when flaring.  I stopped feeling guilty for spending a good day laughing and having fun with family or friends when my body forced me to cancel another commitment earlier in the week.  Psa and fibro are completely unpredictable.  I can’t predict a flare.  Accepting that I will do what I can when my body permits has been challenging, but it has been so much better since I stopped punishing myself.  Just because my body is determined to destroy my life, I don’t have to help it.  I had to accept that I wasn’t to blame for my conditions and the pain they created.