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Do You Think I Like Feeling This Way?

Do You Think I Like Feeling This Way?

Lately, I find myself wanting to shout from the rooftops, “Do you think I LIKE feeling this way?” Do you think it is fun spending days on the couch, too fatigued to do much of anything? Yes, my psoriatic arthritis may inconvenience you, but it isn’t my fault. It isn’t fun. And I certainly do not LIKE to feel this way.

I always let people down

I’m sure my condition frustrates those who care about me. I miss commitments. Brain fog causes me to forget important things. You really never know what you are going to get each day. Some days I’m angry. Sometimes I’m just tired. No matter what, I end up letting people down.

Asking too much of others

It can be too much to ask of someone to be patient with this side of psoriatic arthritis. People don’t want to be friends with someone who is unreliable. They don’t want to have to spend extra time considering why types of “plans” would be easier for me. And they certainly don’t like to “pick up the slack,” when things still need to get done, despite my illness.

Words exchanged in anger

With this whole mix of emotions, resentment, anger, fear, pain it is easy to see how simple things can become big arguments. Heated words exchanged in anger can lead to hurt feelings and broken relationships. Those I love feel let down and angry when I have to put the needs of my health over their needs. They lash out in accusations, snide comments, or verbal jabs. And the only response I can muster is, “Do you think I like feeling this way?

Do you think it is easy for me to watch everyone else get involved?

Do you think being stuck in bed with a flare is what I wanted to do today?

Do you think feeling terrible is some kind of badge of honor? That I asked for this?

Too many emotions tied to a physical disease

Upon self-reflection, it is very clear that this response is rooted in anger. Anger at their accusatory tones. Anger at myself for feeling too weak to fight back. Frustrated that no one seems to understand what living with this is really like, day to day. Beaten down by the disease that has changed my life so much.

  • I despise being stuck on the couch with a flare.
  • I loathe the fact that there are so many days that I don’t even get to a single thing on my to-do list.
  • I detest the endless parade of side effects, doctor appointments, and canceled plans.

You think, “Oh gee, it must be so hard lying in bed watching Netflix all day.

But you know what? YES. It IS hard.

It is hard to feel like life is going on all around you and you are powerless.

It is hard to feel like a burden.

It is hard to feel like a parent who will never be good enough, a spouse who can’t keep up.

It’s hurtful.

It’s debilitating.

It’s life-changing.

Do you think I like feeling this way?

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Psoriatic-Arthritis.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

  • AtomHeartMother
    3 months ago

    PREACH, my Sista…PREACH! God Bless, and know my bed and I are becoming fused. Plus, having PsA, most ppl like us are on SSD/extremely limited incomes, and don’t even have the money to eat properly if we decide to get our rx’s filled, or gas in the car should we feel good enough to go out, let alone pay for any small activity!
    And, I’d like to add my favorite comment…”you should really try to do more exercise, even if it’s walking the dog!”!!! Well, even though that is true, the mental and physical strength to get dressed, argue with your vanity if you should take your walker/mobility device, and if not, you get flash backs on when my 60lb dog decided she wanted to be friends and introduce herself to a squirrel (which she’s NEVER done before?!), literally dragging me first through the air until I hit the ground, being pulled like the lead sled in the Alaskan Iditerod Dog race for 1/2 a block, while ppl watched without offering any help! Boy, did I pay for that “exercise” for a month or more! ‍♀️
    I loved your article, and enjoyed the writing style you used, I believe it’s called “TRUTH”! God Bless , and it’s comforting to know we’re not alone in this! My fear is what’s going to happen when we’ve tapped out Netflix and YouTube?! Thank you again for a perfectly written page out of the PsA Diaries! Much Love…❤️

  • kitzers1
    2 months ago

    Yes, Thank You! I really enjoyed your message and I read it to my husband. WE both chuckled because it was funny and because I am alike in such ways ! I like to look at the lighter side of my disability. I laugh at myself, but I also grieve. I have bad bad days and then gooder days. I found myself telling others what I had been thinking, that is; Are not these days like…bad bad bad….then it gets gooder, not great, and right away your waiting for the bad to come because You know it is….That sucks…God is Good and he helps me to sort stuff out. I know there is a bunch more that will get worse over time and that hangs over my head constantly. Bless all of us that know this and live it everyday…God Bless.

  • Doeeyes
    3 months ago

    I have had psa for 44 yrs now. I understand your anger. Been there done that but being so angry all the time hurts your health even more. I’m glad you are on this site because you need to learn all you can about this disease for yourself and for your family and friends. The info is available now. 20 and 30 and 40 yrs ago it wasn’t! Doctors didn’t even know!!! I couldn’t have made it through the severe pain I have experienced without Hydrocodone 325. It eases the pain just enough so I can function. I’ve never increased the amount and I’ve never become addicted. Once you have some pain relief your anger will decrease significantly. Take it one day or one hour or even one minute at a time. Surround yourself with positive people and let them know when you simply must go lay down. The other day my friend said “You’re really hurting today aren’t you?” I said, ” Yes, but I really wanted to be with you. I will tell you if I can’t go on okay?” She was satisfied then. Giving in to the pain,
    Is okay. Giving up is not. God bless.

  • bumster Hi I'm new 12/2018
    3 months ago

    Hi Leanne d thank you for this post I myself can relate my psa was so bad that I had to stay in bed for four days and that in itself was very painful right along with the feet and knees and hands, I think I was a little lucky because mine got bad after all my kids were all grown up my youngest was sixteen so they didn’t go without (thank god) hope you are well. take care

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