When you go it alone...a pity party and garbage tossing therapy

I think the hardest part of this is not having any help, no family nearby, save my sister from far away who helps with research and emotional support from afar. I find myself weepy a lot as I toss my half filled garbage bags down the stairs because I cant make it down alone with the weight of them and the pressure on my back and knees. I did laugh when a worker across the street saw bags flying down the stairs like a Badger digging out his den. I'm sure he was thinking, whoa, nut job!

I own my own business, the irony of which, is that its in Medical rehab, Hiding this from my patients is important because I risk that my patients and clients might react as some do, to finding out someone has cancer, with distance. I can't risk that. One client's face who heard my knee crack audibly as it gave out at her home was evidence of that already. Oddly I always hold space for folks who have tough stuff going on in my practice. I feel honored to be there for them.

I've always been one of those folks that has held the belief that if I was ever diagnosed with a serious cancer, I would move to Oregon and use legal euthanasia. I'm not one to make a good nursing home candidate. I'd be miserable if I became totally disabled and had no one to look after me. Oddly, as I suspected many of us are or were the caregiver types. Everyone always comes to me for advice and counsel. I'm finding that the whole martyrdom MO was highly over rated.

How odd that I find myself alone physically, not sure if I will lose my business and apartment, totally unable to see the future and unwilling to "go there". My life was just getting to the right porridge consistency when all hell broke loose. I knew as I went to move into my new apartment and the folks that were going to help me crapped out, that lifting all that heavy stuff was not a good idea. I had no idea, just a few months later I would be sitting here writing this.

Dreams are funny things. I've worked so hard to leave behind a dysfunctional family, an ungrateful adult child and be willing to create and invite something new and wonderful into my life. I had so many great plans to renovate my apartment and furniture. I just had lined a back wall with wall units filled with all my crafting supplies. I had hopes of going out to Colorado to a Wolf rehab for my 60th Birthdayin August but now I have no idea where I'll be or if they will let me near the wolves. ( I was swan keeper and wildlife rescuer)

This morning I told my computer repair guy/friend to hold off a day or two more before he came over because I spent two days this week in total exhaustion, sleeping 13 and 14 hours, totally unlike me. My place is not clean and I would not let anyone in there right now. I really need my computer and he makes light of my illness telling me it was great I moved to a 2nd story apartment for the exercise. NO, I did not neuter him, promise. I wanted to!

People hear Psoriatic arthritis and all they hear is Psoriasis as they guardedly scan my visible body for lesions.

I hope it's okay to let it fly here, I've been trying to be so brave for months now and I just cant hold all this in. Thanks for having a place I hope I can come for support, friendship, camaraderie and information.

Blessings to each of you!