Invisible Illness
Psoriatic Arthritis is invisible. No one really sees it. Oh, if we have the rashes and plaques, well yes, people see. I have been spared that travesty, I am so sorry for people having that on top of joint inflammation.
Living with PSA, it feels like a curse. No one really understands unless they are living it. My husband, he sees me daily and he understands....I do believe he does and he is always helpful but I know he dreads coming home — coming home to the same movie that plays over and over. I am always sick. Every day I see a rerun for me, nothing is working, 8 trials of medications, gluten free, dairy free, alcohol-free...fun free....It is an endless search to release this invisible demon that has taken over my immune system. So are a lot of people with this disease. It’s not going away. I wish I could run away from me.
There are some days that are better than some but they are so fleeting that you become hardened because you know that the weather, stress, foods, something will take it away.
Every day my chores are there, ready to be tackled and every night when the day is over they are still there. I can’t seem to find the strength, I always hurt. Pain is always present but if anyone would drop by they would wonder, why can’t she tidy up her house? She doesn’t look sick. They may say—-Why don’t you try turmeric? It helps with pain. Cut out sugar, you will feel better, on and on, just start walking you will lose the weight. No. I can’t. It’s not that I won’t, I can’t. I am tired of explaining. That is why we feel so isolated because we don’t want to explain anymore. I do walk with a cane so people know a little but it is not what we want to talk about, we want this disease to retreat. Aside from my new crooked posture the rest is invisible. I feel invisible, sometimes I want to be invisible because everything is hard now. This illness is me now. I am defined by my disease.
I hope someday there will be an answer to why PSA is so debilitating and I will benefit from it with everyone else that is suffering silently.
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