Can I Return To Who I Used To Be?

My chronic conditions changed more than what I could physically do, it changed my personality as well. Living with psoriasis, fibromyalgia, endometriosis, and psoriatic arthritis is tough. I experience pain in some part of my body 24/7. The disappointment of not being able to do what I used to and the fear of increasing my pain level overtook my mind. Anger consumed me whenever I had to cancel plans. I felt guilty when choosing to spend time with one person over another only because I lacked the energy and strength to do both. The fear of the pain each activity or outing would ignite triggered anxiety attacks. I felt like I was living under a dark cloud. I was no longer able to envision a future filled with joyful moments. All I could see was doom and gloom.

How it all started

I received my first diagnosis a year and a half after marrying my husband. During the following eleven years, my conditions turned me into someone that I didn’t recognize or like. In all honesty, I would have totally understood if my husband had chosen to leave me. Thankfully he took his vow of in sickness and health seriously and is still by my side. It was in that eleventh year that I reached the end of my rope. I wanted to die. It was at this point when my husband and I both agreed that following the protocols my doctors were prescribing wasn’t working and it was time to try something outside the box, medical marijuana.

And I'm back!

A few months later, my husband was the first to declare that treating my conditions in this manner was the best decision that we could have ever made. While there were physical improvements, it was my emotional state that surprised us the most. To quote my husband, “My wife is back. The fun loving, silly, creative, always smiling woman I feel in love with has returned.” He was right and anyone who knew me before becoming chronically ill can attest to it. The silly gal who loved to make people laugh and smile was back. Even when experiencing a high pain level, I awake and go to bed each day/night with a smile on my face. Instead of dreading the future, I say bring it on! It has been four and a half years since I have “returned” and not a day goes by that I don’t give thanks for having access to a medication that helps me. I may never regain the ability to physically live like I used to and that’s okay. My body and what it can or cannot do doesn’t define me, but my personality and attitude does.