Today, I Rest (My PsA Said I Must)

By ClairG

2 min read

I am a strong, independent woman.

Even when I cannot get out of bed because my psoriatic arthritis is flaring, everything hurts and I cannot stand on my feet.

I am a strong, independent woman.

I am so accustomed to doing everything myself, but today, my psoriatic arthritis is calling the shots, and it said "not today."

I am a strong, independent woman.

And today I will take my superhero cape off and rest.

Recognizing the hard days with psoriatic arthritis

Despite being such a strong, independent woman my psoriatic arthritis has got me feeling very vulnerable at the moment. I love to put a positive spin on most things in life. I believe that things work out the way they are meant at that sometimes there just is not a silver lining.

Sometimes things just suck and today is one of those days. Living with chronic illness sucks; living with psoriatic arthritis specifically sucks. Being aware of toxic positivity has made this morning acceptable to me.

I have so often tried to vent about my psoriatic arthritis, and whomever I am talking with is just trying to make me see the positive in it. And while I understand and appreciate the gesture, some days there is simply no silver lining. Things just suck.

Starting the day with chronic pain

Today is one of those days. I woke up this morning with a song in my heart, ready to tackle my day and the list of work things awaiting me. Waking up slowly with a stretch to assess where my pain levels are, as mornings are hard for me. The pain levels were there, but you know, when are they not? I stretched my body out slowly and realized today was not going to be an easy day.

Then I put my feet on the floor, and Lord, how I wish I hadn't. The pain shot through my feet, into my legs, as if every single part of my body was a pathway for my pain to race down.

A moment of emotional release

I sat back down on the edge of my bed, and I wept. I did not sniffle or cry, I wept, for every moment I had not in the last few months. Years even.

For all the moments of sheer frustration, dropping things, forgetting things, and being in immeasurable pain. Needing to cancel plans at the last minute and sometimes simply not make plans, for feeling like a failure even when I know it is unreasonable.

Today, I wept because I cannot understand why I have to live this life with this pain. Today, I am still a strong, independent woman, but I am exhausted and would love a soft landing for a little while.

Rest and support on difficult days

I would love to say that I felt better, got up, and did all the things, and it was just alright in the end. But the truth is that it wasn't, as I am writing you from my bed. Today, I have hung up my cape, and I am resting and reflecting on how I am feeling.

A friend will be dropping off a meal and filling my pain med script; she will come and make me tea and just allow me to be in my space and vulnerable while she holds space for me and helps where she can.

So today we rest.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Psoriatic-Arthritis.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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rosah Member
You just described my day with only a few differences. I am currently waiting on doctors to decide to see me and get me back on medicine. Also I lost my husband of 57 years 5 months ago and every day feels like I am trying to lift a brick wall off myself just to get a start on my day. Somedays that wall doesn't budge. Rosa H. 
1. ClairG Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="rosah" user-id="4247255"/>, Oh Rosa, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. There are never the right words for this kind of loss. I do hope that you find peace in time and that it becomes easier to lift that brick wall. On the days that you can't, I hope you can rest in his love pull the covers up, and just be. How has your psa reacted to the stressful time? Do you have a good support system around you? I sure do hope so. We are here for you, if you need to vent. Sending you a gentle hug today, I hope that today the brick wall is lighter and your day is easier. Warmly, Clair ( Team Member)
2. Mary Lynn Member
 <inline-mention username="rosah" user-id="4247255"/> , I am sorry for the significant loss in your life. My mom was widowed young when my dad died at 46. It took our family a long while to pick up the pieces. I hope you have family and friends that can help you carry this. And be extra patient with yourself. I hope that, with time, the brick wall doesn't seem so heavy.
Mary Lynn Member
<inline-mention username="ClairG" user-id="3280001"/> , a beautiful piece of writing. I bet it will speak into the hearts of many here. You did good things for you when you allowed those tears to fall (why do we save them up sometimes as if they get better with age?) allowed yourself to rest and leaned on a friend. This is an excellent recipe that takes a strong independent woman to put together. I hope tomorrow treats you gently.
1. ClairG Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Mary Lynn" user-id="4513411"/> Thank you so much, Mary. I am so glad you enjoyed it. Oh Gosh, I have no idea why we do this saving of the tears things. I so wish that I learned earlier that crying is just such a natural and cathartic thing really. I often switch on a good talent show, long-distance surprises, or people finding their pets on YouTube, you just release the things I have bottled up inside. Tomorrow will always be a better day, I do hope that yours is kind too. Thank you for always being a voice of kindness and support. Warmly, Clair ( Team Member)
kpalmer9 Member
Wow. This thread hit me right between the eyes. Today I am getting ready and continuing with cutting, splitting and stacking firewood for the upcoming season. What used to be a chore I looked forward to doing because it serves as therapy in so many ways. I played 9 holes of golf on father's day with one of my sons. My neck, shoulders, elbows, wrists, pelvis/hips have been in agony starting 2 weeks after. Added a course of prednisone to my biologic. Here we are 6 weeks later, and I am choosing to roll the dice, take another dose of prednisone, and any other anti-inflammatory hack out there, get dressed and slowly go about the wood splitting because it will be better for me than not trying today. I won't know for a few days or more if it causes an escalation of the never ending but once in a blue moon relenting pain. And that how it is with PsA for me. Some days it decides and some days I decide, because its a good day or I'm so fatigued that I just want to quit, so I just rest and care for myself. Something that has been hard for me, but I'm getting better at it. I have been very tentative about strenuous physical activity since my last flare. I have found too, that waking up in the morning on a day with such plans, only to be greeted with the ever present pain and stiffness that is not letting up after the usual routine, can really undermine what optimism I wake up with. I now hope to wake with something that won't be as painful as the day before. I'm trying to accept having constant and chronic pain. I don't believe that is possible or healthy for that matter. I will keep dancing the dance with PsA because so far a day to day compromise is the best I can manage. And for everyone out that has this, it is cruel. There are days I can't overcome. There are days that I cry, because it is so relentless.
1. Vickie Wilkerson Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="kpalmer9" user-id="9749102"/> I feel your pain. PsA is hard no doubt. I do a lot of the same as you do. I try to accomplish what I can on good days and rest on bad days. It is a game of ups and downs. All we can try to do is to cope but when there are more down days than good it truly makes it hard. You are not alone. I hope you find more pain free days so you can get your firewood cut. Vickie, Team Member
2. Mary Lynn Member
 <inline-mention username="kpalmer9" user-id="9749102"/> , relentless is a really good word for the pain. I would add unpredictable. No 2 days feel alike, especially when another joint joins the choir. Thanks for posting this. It reminded me that we're all doing our best to function as best we can through the pain until we need to allow ourselves to take a step back and rest.
CommunityMember79613f Member
I hurt so bad in one joint one day n another, another day r all at the same time.And I hear I thought u said ur hands hurt n now u say today it's ur bk.Like they don't believe u.And I just don't plan anything..anymore. I have had this for years n I'm so worn out from the pain n when I was younger the Dr's would say u don't need to be on that strong of meds.Now they say ur getting older n shouldn't be on strong pain meds.But what happen to me enjoying my life. And I was wondering does psa mk u be forgetful? Just feeling dwn n misunderstood. If these Dr's only really knew me I raised 3 kids never drank r did drugs.But now I have to take meds not judging nobody to each there own.But as soon as u tell the Dr's u need something for pain they look at u side ways.Just wondering if anybody else feels this way?
1. ClairG Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="CommunityMember79613f" user-id="9783727"/> I am going to start this off with a great big gentle hug. You are not alone in this at all, so many of us have been through or are going through what you are. We are here for you. To answer some questions with helpful resources: Brain fog ( this can include forgetfulness) Leanne wrote a great one about this: <a href='https://psoriatic-arthritis.com/living/battling-brain-fog' target='_blank'>https://psoriatic-arthritis.com/living/battling-brain-fog</a> This is something I battle on the regular too. This is one of my favorites from Cynthia, The ABC's of psa : https://psoriatic-arthritis.com/living/words-describing-life-with-psa Moving pain is so frustrating, and a person does not always know what to expect and what is going to be most painful that day. We are here for you, every step of the way, Thank you so much for sharing so candidly with us. Warmly, Clair ( Team Member)