One Weary Warrior

Exhaustion.

Fatigue.

Weariness.

Burnout.

Depleted.

Empty.

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and think, I have nothing left to give. This warrior is exhausted, and I am so weary of constantly fighting. It seems the battles never let up, the war is never over. No breaks. No reprieve. Leaving me staring back at myself, seeing only one weary warrior.

These feelings were never so true as they have been the past year. I spent the whole year trying to find something, anything that would give me a break. Medicine, natural remedies, dietary changes, exercises, you name it, I’ve tried it. Yet it seemed that no matter where I turned, or what I did, there was always a new war to wage.

Fighting for a diagnosis

First, it started years ago. Fighting for the correct diagnosis. Finding the right doctor, someone trustworthy, knowledgeable, and fair was a battle in and of itself. Ensconced in a storm of uncertainty. Not knowing where to turn or what was going on with my body. Pushing for answers. Longing to be understood.

Fighting just to get through the day

While my body is busy fighting itself, I’m fighting to just get through my day. Fighting to appear normal. I’m fighting from the moment I wake and all through the night. I warrior my way through each and every task of the day. Being a mom. Fighting to keep up with the house. Pushing to make sure that I can get everything done that needs to get done.

Carrying the burden with every step

Pushing my way through each day. Carrying the burden of this disease with me in everything that I do. Nothing is simple. Nothing is easy. Cutting my food? Sure, I’ll get right on that. Carrying laundry downstairs? Watch me push through with every step. Rinse the plates. Load the dishwasher. Clean the floors. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong. Every action, every movement comes with a fight and at a price.

The fight for medications

But the fun doesn’t end there. The fight rages on with medications. Jumping through the insurance hoops to have access to medication. Finding the right one. Fighting to understand the EOB’s and triple checking the cost. I spend hours trying to figure out what all the tests mean, keeping up with symptoms, worrying more with each new ache or pain.

Fighting a war on many fronts

The war of life with psoriatic arthritis comes with battles on many fronts, leaving this warrior weary for a break. Fighting for a brief moment of reprieve from the constant demands of energy. Feeling pulled in a hundred directions as I struggle to hold it all together, putting out fires in every direction while holding my own flares at bay. Why must everything be such a fight. Such a struggle. Such a battle.

So what do we do? How do we find the energy, the encouragement to keep fighting our way through each new battle? How do we stay strong and continue the fight? The answer is simple. We just do.

We fight the exhaustion.

We fight the fatigue.

We fight the weariness.

We fight the burnout.

We fight the depletion.

We fight the emptiness.

Yes, we are weary. But we are warriors and we will soldier on, simply because that is what we do.