How To Handle Insensitive Remarks With Psoriatic Arthritis

By Cynthia Covert

2 min read

I’m always talking about the insensitive remarks people make towards having a chronic illness. Whether it’s being told that we are too young to have such a disease, that we don’t look as sick as we claim to be, or that it’s all in our heads.

All of these comments hurt. Not too long ago, it hit me that my reaction is not always the same. So I decided to take a look at my different reactions and here is what I found.

Insensitive remarks can add to the pain of psoriatic arthritis

How I react also has a lot to do with where I am at both physically and mentally. Depending on my pain level, how long a flare is lasting, and my personal frustration level, I may shut down, agree, go into a rage, or engage in a respectful discussion.

If unable to control my physical pain, I may rip into the person I would normally brainstorm with and agree with the person who thinks I would be better off dead. My reaction to an insensitive comment like “That’s no way to live” varies depending upon who says it to me.

Room for improvement

If the person is like me and is always looking for ways to improve their lives, I may agree. In these instances, the conversations turn into productive think tanks where we brainstorm ways to improve my life and the life of others with the same or similar illnesses.

Change the subject

If the person is someone who constantly throws their own pity party over things they could do because they’d rather have someone or something else to blame, I change the subject.

I am not offended. I know that that is just how they are and trying to change them is a waste of precious energy.

Becoming defensive to the insensitive remarks

If the person is someone who supports assisted suicide, I become defensive. Before finding a pain management plan that actually addressed and improved my daily pain instead of masking it, I wanted to die.

I spent my days and nights in bed sobbing. I was ready to end it all and in that weakened state, I may have done just that had someone offered to assist me. Thankfully, I didn’t. Thankfully, I didn’t accept that I would never improve or that life couldn’t be enjoyed in the state that I was in. As I later found out, it could.

Shake off the insensitivity

When it comes to strangers or people who don’t really know me, my reaction depends on how much energy I have to spare or with my current mood.

I am not always ready or open to hearing suggestions on how to improve my life. Sometimes I just need to release some sorrow and anger. Other times I just need some time to myself. Time to think without insensitive comments filling my head with self-doubt and reasons to give up.

Do you react differently to the same comments when struggling physically and mentally?

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Psoriatic-Arthritis.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

Please read our rules before commenting.

magnolian Member
I find it hard talking about it over and over and over. I get and appreciate that people are trying to understand what I’m going through, but nobody asks me why I wear glasses every day, but they do ask me why I use a cane. I get that I’m young and that’s unusual to see... but I just want to be normal. I want to focus on getting through my day as best as I can and think about something other than my pain and stiffness and the fact that I’m not “looking/acting like the average person my age” My best conversations are with my best friend. He’s always open to letting me talk/rant about my struggles when I need to, but mostly we just carry on as we always have with conversations unrelated to health mostly. My most hurtful comment was by a family member when I first got diagnosed. It was all scary... reading about taking a “chemo drug” scared the heck out of me. I couldn’t get off the toilet without help, would I always be like that? They basically told me to quit being such a baby because it’s not like I have cancer.
1. imschmarte Member
 Wow! That is about as insensitive as it gets! What did you say to them? Did you say anything? I understand it is hard for even family to understand something they can't see or prove. But that was uncalled for. Good luck to you!
2. notfromhere Member
 I'm so sorry that was said to you. I know cancer is horrible, scary and deadly, but it's not necessarily the worst thing that happens to people, it just gets all the attention and sympathy. My sister got breast cancer at 69, she's 71 now, she's a former drug addict, smoked until her late 50's, then used nicotine gum for 10 yrs before she got off that. She's a functioning alcoholic and has been since her 20's, she also fried her skin every year in the sun until minor skin cancers arose. Her breast cancer only required a lumpectomy & targeted radiation, she does have to take some oral meds too, but no chemo. She still does and goes wherever she wants and very little impact on her life has occurred. But if you tell anyone she has cancer you hear ALL the typical sympathetic relpies etc. If I say I have an autoimmune arthritis I get a blank stare or I'm asked if I have a few aches and pains. I certainly don't try to garner sympathy but I limp, I'm slow, stiff and have great difficulty going up or down stairs or curbs, so questions occur. I'm only 56 and my 71 yr old cancer stricken, alcoholic, former drug addict sister is in better health than I am. I don't drink or smoke and never have and I've never done drugs. I also eat well and try to exercise. I'm certainly not suggesting I'd rather have cancer, but cancer most often goes away or kills you. Like my sister not every cancer is a death sentence or a horrendous ordeal. Again, not to suggest that it doesn't cause a great deal of pain and suffering. But arthritis can slowly rob you over decades until you're completely disabled and you're left watching life go on pretty much without you. If you happen to have a good day, for some strange reason relatives and friends think it's gone, even when you have done your best to educate them. For those that haven't a clue, I'd like to suggest they tightly wrap barbed wire around their hands, elbows, knees and feet for a few months. Then they can have an opinion about pain and what it's like to try to function normally under those circumstances.
imschmarte Member
Hi Cynthia! I am so sorry you have had to go through all that. I am fortunate that I don't have to go out and deal with people all that often. I was reading an article about the government and how they were going to try and take away peoples disability, and make them prove it every year. Which is the stupidest thing they can do, it takes sometimes 2 years to get in the first place. What would you do while you wait again and again for your check to be approved? But there was a comment for a women who stated that everyone who is on disability is just lazy. Even blind people and people could find a job if they looked. I was so incensed at this women's comments, I wanted so bad to lash out at her. But my husband calmed me down, and made me realize, I will never change her mind. And it's true. People do not change opinions very often, and it's not worth me getting aggravated and putting myself in a flare to try it. Although it is winter here in Ohio, and since October it has been one long flare, so I guess I could have given her hell!! LOL Gentle Hugs for you, and thanks for the article!