Fifth Time's the Charm
I feel like I’ve been on countless medications since my psoriatic arthritis diagnosis. Each new medication I’ve tried, I’ve done so with hope. Despite the knowledge that as I made my way through each different one the chances of it working were slimmer and slimmer. Checking each new attempt off the list, without any relief left me scared and wondering, what if nothing works at all?
My first medication came and went without much success at all. We ticked off the box that we tried it, and my doctor assured me that there were many more available that we could try. I felt deflated and that is when it first dawned on me that this was not going to be an easy fix. There wasn’t going to be the usual routine of, “Take two of these and call me in the morning.”
Dealing with the placebo effect
When it came time to try the next medication, I was still hopeful, but have now learned to be leery. I discovered that trying new medications takes time. It takes even more patience, and while I was hopeful, I was terrified of the whole “Placebo Effect.” How would I know if it was really working or if I had just tricked myself into thinking that it worked because I wanted it to work SO badly?
Round 2
After a solid six months of trying my second medication and two trips to the ER, it became pretty clear that that wasn’t the medication for me. It helped in some ways, and not so much in other ways. I kept asking myself, “Is this as good as it will get?” Again my doctor assured me, we will find something. Be patient. There are plenty out there to try.
Reality
By the time it came around for my third and fourth medications, they seemed to run together in a haze of half-hearted hope and icy cold reality. It hit me very hard that THIS is the rest of my life. Moving from medication to medication, losing hope with each one that I will ever find real, consistent, and lasting relief.
Lost hope
Hope withered down to almost nothing, I began to ask questions. How many people have been able to find relief after trying 3+ medications? What were my odds? Did it do me any good to continue to try medication after medication? Suffering emotional and financial damage with each attempt, I found myself in a very dark place. Without hope. Without faith.
Shall we break up?
By my fifth medicine, I had decided (without telling anyone) that this was going to be it. If this didn’t work, I was going to take an extended break from prescription medication to treat my psoriatic arthritis. I just couldn’t handle the disappointment anymore. Each time something didn’t work, it took so much of me to pick myself back up and keep trying. I just didn’t think I had it in me to continue to put myself out there, try more medicine, and suffer heartbreak if it didn’t work again.
Lucky #5
I kept a detailed diary of symptoms. I paid careful attention to what I ate, what supplements I took, and how I was feeling each day. Low and behold, on this lucky fifth medicine, it was like someone had finally flipped the switch. It wasn’t so much of an on/off switch (like I had anticipated and imagined), more like a dimmer switch.
Not a switch, rather a dimmer
It was so strange. It was like over the course of my three sets of loading doses, spaced every 2 weeks, someone had gradually “dimmed” or turned down my symptoms. There was certainly nothing sudden like I had anticipated, but there was a gradual, very clear difference. Each day I began to be able to do a little more. I began to have less pain. And most importantly, I got to be able to focus more on living my life, and less on managing my symptoms.
That was when I knew, for certain, that I had finally at last found something that will work for me. After five tries, I finally found one that at least for the time being, helps me be me again. When I think about it now, I try not to wonder, “How long will this last?” I try not to question, “What’s next for me?” I just try and focus on the fact that for now, for me, instead of the third, it is really the 5th time’s the charm. For now, I’ll take it.
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