They Said What?! Top 5 Comments I Hope I Don't Hear Again

By Cynthia Covert

2 min read

We all know one or two people who fail to consider if what they are about to say is inconsiderate and just blurt out rude or demoralizing comments. But it wasn’t until after having my life turned upside down from psoriatic arthritis that I heard them from people I thought knew better.

1. You don’t look sick.

Of course I don’t look sick; most of my symptoms aren’t visible. Plus, if you are seeing me outside of my home, my pain is not at its worst otherwise I wouldn’t be out.

2. There must be something your doctor can give you to make you normal again.

Sorry, but there isn’t a magic pill that will make me function like I used to. Nor will there ever be one until the causes of my chronic illnesses are discovered.

3. I wish I could stay home and not work.

Do they really think I like not being able to financially support myself or my family? Not being able to work a 9-5 job outside of my home is not something I wished for. I just love being reminded of the financial strain my condition has placed upon my family.

4. I wish I could take naps.

First off, I don’t know what is stopping these people from taking naps. If they really want one they could take one. I don’t want or wish to take naps, my body requires them. I can’t plan them, they just happen. Most importantly naps aren’t a waste of time for the chronically ill; they are a form of therapy.

5. You’re so lucky to need a wheelchair; I wish someone would push me around all day.

Really?? Do they really wish to lose their physical freedom and need assistance to get around??!! While I am thankful for my wheelchair and my friends/ family that assist me, I prefer days in which my body permits me to get around without it or them.

These are just a handful of comments I have heard for the past 17 years and continue to hear. What is the rudest or most inconsiderate thing someone has said to you?

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willowing Member
"Don't you think you have 'milked' this long enough?" Yeah, that was my brother.
1. Cynthia Covert Contributor
 Wow, that is heartbreaking. Hugs!!
2. bubu Member
 Makes me cry! Sorry willowing!
anitaboddie1971 Member
I just go crazy hearing, but you're taking tramadol for the pain, so why do you say you are still in pain. It took me almost 30 years to become diagnosed.
1. Cynthia Covert Contributor
 Right!!??? People just don't get that there isn't a magic pill that is going to cure us. Hugs!
bros Member
You should not have been a road runner, and your would have been fine. This quote came from a medical person whom I knew for years.
1. Cynthia Covert Contributor
 Wow!!
soraeme Member
I think the most damaging thing said to me was from a doctor, 20 years ago. After hearing my symptoms, and without conducting a single test, he very kindly told me I needed a hobby, or to do volunteer work, so I didn't have so much time to focus on myself. I felt so foolish, because he voiced the very thing I had been saying to myself...that I couldn't possibly be having all these strange painful episodes where I could barely open doors, open a can of soup, or walk without limping. And the weakness and pain seemed to move around to different joints. I had convinced myself that hypochondria must be pretty painful, but was all in my head, after all. Dr. confirmed it.
1. jeand Member
 Yes, it's the worse feeling in the world to confide in someone about your pain, only to have them basically say you are just seeking attention. From a doctor it's even worse, because who else is left to help you at that point?? Ugh!
2. joknee Member
 That’s almost the same thing the doc said to me in 1963! Not the least validating. I informed him that I was the mother of 3, was enrolled in college, walked daily, active in church and community. I just can’t add anymore hobbies. Then he got serious. He did some research and made my diagnosis of PsA. I went to Dartmouth and had the diagnosis confirmed. It has been a rocky and painful road since. Sometimes we just have to persever and persist to get the answers we need to help us on our journey. If you can’t find a doctor who can be supportive and helpful, look for another. They are out there. Hang in, my dear.
j-nunga Member
I asked my (ex) GP if he could recommend some things I could do to help with the stiffness and pain after being diagnosed with PsA, he told me to "get better genetics", I gave him my most sarcastic look and asked him how I go about doing that, then I found a better GP.
jeand Member
When I try to explain my diagnosis to my mother, she simply replies "I dont believe that." When she asks what meds I'm taking, she says "You don't need that. You shouldn't take it." Her answer for everything is to be more active. She thinks I'm just lazy.
1. jeand Member
 I have no idea, but it's beyond frustrating! Even as a child I was never offered any comfort by her when I was sick or injured. It's one of the reasons my diagnosis was delayed - I learned to simply not complain about any physical pain. When I was finally diagnosed by x-ray findings, my doctor said I must have been suffering for a very long time. I felt like it was the first time someone believed me.
2. bubu Member
 JeanD!! You are so right on! You know lets get this out....if you have osteo A yeah get up, get movin and groovin .....gonna make it better!! Agree that I need a little shove and urge. Still, there are days far different and at my age I can feel, see, and know the difference in those complaints.... I am 62, had psoriases for 36 years and PsA for less in additions to Fibromyalgia! All together when your flairing and more it is an undertaking no one can get but you because even between us novice posters it is an individual experience. I loved walking, biking and more but injuries get in the way and without anticipating the worst, understand this disease can sneak in the back door and fool you...!! and it can happen very quickly
p-kaye Member
Family members and even close friends can be very hurtful with their comments. I am currently 52 years old. I've had Crohns disease for 40 years and psoriasis for as long as I can remember. I was recently diagnosed with PsA along with Heart and Lung issues. I am one of 5 children, I was always the one who had the so called "food allergies" and health problems. I've never felt completely well. My husband was in the Navy and after our daughter was born I came down with a very serious PID infection and grapefruit sized chocolate cysts, at age 21 I was given a complete radical hysterectomy. We were stationed in Key West Florida for 5 years. I hadn't seen my Mother for almost 2 years as money was tight for everyone. When I told my Mom I was sick and having a hysterectomy she couldn't accept it. Several months went by and I came home to visit my family in Indiana, I was still trying to adjust to being on HRT and the hot flashes were terrible. I mentioned this to my mother and she acted as if she had no idea what I was talking about? So I said the hysterectomy was hard to deal with and she looked at me and said " So, no more babies huh? I guess we'll see about that." It absolutely floored me that she acted as if she didn't believe that I had had surgery. It blew my mind! A few months later I was at a family dinner with my husbands family and I was asked to help prepare the meal along side my mother-in-law and her sister. I was still having overwhelming hot flashes and I mentioned that I needed to take a break and get some fresh air to cool down. My Mother-in- asked me if I was having a hot flash? I answered yes and her sister in a very matter of fact manner says " Ha Ha Ha You have no idea what a hot flash even is, tell me again about your so called hot flashes in 30 more years!" After that I was afraid to mention it to anyone and especially to any woman who was older than me. Women who are my age now are just now going thru menopause and some are getting hysterectomies. I hear a lot of complaints about night sweats and hot flashes from women. You'd think all those years would have hardened me up with some drastic uncaring comments of my own but, it hasn't, in fact, it's made me be even more sympathetic. I've had good friends say the dumbest things to me too. I had a friend of 20 years call me a shut-in / agoraphobic right to my face because I canceled a weekend shopping trip with her. She said " You're always sick!" Some people really just don't get it. But right now, as I write this I can honestly laugh in my head at their jarring ignorance.
1. Eileen14700 Moderator
 It takes a exceptional person to laugh at jarring ignorance, <inline-mention user-id="3313132" username="p-kaye"/> . I'm sorry you've endured such callousness, even from your own mother! Your experience reminds of of that old quote, "Good health is a crown that the healthy wear, but only the sick can see." Keep telling your story; nothing short of all of our voices rising together will make a difference. -Eileen, <a href='http://Psoriatic-Arthritis.com' target='_blank'>Psoriatic-Arthritis.com</a> Team
jennidbug Member
I can't count how many times I've heard that everything would get better if I would just lose weight. I realize extra weight is hard on my joints but it's not gonna cure my PsA or fibromyalgia. It's hard to lose weight when it hurts to do the simplest activities. Just the thought of taking a bath, getting dressed, putting on makeup, etc makes me tired. I feel like I ha e no life outside my home because I've cancelled on my friends so many times.
Great Nana Member
Three years ago I told my neurologist, who was following me for a familial tremor and balance issues, that I was suffering from extreme fatigue. He said I needed to see my primary care. My primary care doctor, after ruling out anemia or a thyroid problem, told me that he usually does not tell his patients this, but he felt that I would benefit from this advice (I am paraphrasing): At my age (I was 62 at the time) I basically needed to get my head out of my ass and start exercising and thinking positive, because if I didn't, I would just go downhill from there! Needless to say, I never went back to that doctor again, and he had been my primary care doctor for 7 years! Another doctor told me I just needed to lose weight, exercise to get the endorphins going, and color my gray hair! I was totally shocked about the hair color comment! It is so hard when you know your body is not well and you're dealing with the chronic pain, etc. You do start feeling like a hypochondriac if you haven't received a diagnosis yet. I finally found the right doctors who really listened to me and left no stone unturned to diagnose me with psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. Shame on those other doctors. Part of me wants to send a note to their offices telling them guess what?! I had an undiagnosed autoimmune disease that was causing my symptoms. Thanks for nothing.
1. Jill.Brodie Community Admin
 Hello @nanaused2ride, thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you went through such a frustrating time by not receiving the health care you deserved and needed. I am so glad you found the right doctors who were able to help you! Thank you again for sharing. Jill, Community Moderator

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