Psoriatic Disease, I Abhor You
Last updated: April 2020
Abhor. Its official definition is a verb and means “regard with disgust or hatred.” My definition is so much more. There are many words that come to mind when I think about how I feel about my body most days: rebellion, anarchy, and loathe.
I preach acceptance of psoriatic arthritis and push to find the positive parts of life on a daily basis. With the ups and downs of daily life with this condition, I’m better at it some days. The other days, not so much.
The never-ending battle of psoriatic arthritis
Today feels like one long battle with my body. And I hate it. I hate the fight. As much as I know I should step back and look at the bigger picture, today I just can’t. I abhor everything about my body and this disease. You read that correctly.
I don’t just hate it. I don’t simply dislike it. No, that just isn’t strong enough for what I’m feeling today. I’m not really sure there is a word strong enough for what I feel today, so I suppose abhor is the best I have.
I abhor my body for rebelling on me this way. I abhor my disease for what it has made me into.
How to overcome the feelings of abhor and loathing
Should I berate myself for feeling this way? I know it is wrong. I know that I should be grateful for so many things. And maybe, on another day I will be. Is it better to just embrace where I am, with this disease, now at this moment?
Tips for when you abhor your own body because let’s be honest, I can’t be the only one who sometimes feels this way. Maybe together, we can try a few of these and with any luck, these feelings of hatred for your own body will pass quickly.
Make a gratitude list
What can your body do? Are you breathing? Is your body digesting food? These seemingly simple acts might be a good place to start. If you put together a list of some things you can do, perhaps you might not be so focused on all the things it can’t do (at this moment anyway).
Wallow in your hatred
Sometimes I’ve found that if I just accept and embrace a feeling, even if it is something like disgust or hatred for this disease, then it allows me to process that feeling and move on much quicker. Set a clock and allow yourself to really wallow in the feelings. Then once the time is up, push the covers off your head, pull on those big girl panties, and move on.
Don't fight it!
Ignoring your feelings about your psoriatic arthritis (and the havoc it wreaks on your body) only makes it worse. Trust me, I speak from experience. Shoving everything down- frustration, anger, and disappointment about what is going on in your body- only makes it more difficult to deal with when it inevitably vomits itself back up, all over your life.
Is acceptance the answer?
I can’t change how I feel today any more than I can change today’s level of fatigue. I can't change my big, fat, swollen toes. So maybe acceptance is the answer. Maybe I’m just confusing hatred of my body with hatred of my disease. But aren’t they one and the same?
Yes, today I absolutely abhor my body. I loathe what it has done to me. But my time of wallowing is over.
Are you with me? Will you help me pull the blankets off my head and move on with my day?
Do you usually need to recover from a vacation?