Everything Is Cancer
Okay, the thread title is a bit of hyperbole but I used it to illustrate a point. PsA has turned me into a cyberchondriac.
Prior to PsA i felt invincible. I had my problems in life like anyone else but I always, ALWAYS had my health. It was my suit of armor. It was what enabled me to get through anything and almost always have a positive attitude. The thing I hate most about having PsA is that it robbed me of that.
I have gone down the rabbit hole of googling symptoms more times than I can count. I've wasted days at work when I should have been productive, worrying that I might have this or that. PsA cracked my armor and over the years it's begun to fall off piece by piece so that now, rather than feeling invincible, I feel I'm always on the verge of something terrible. Every ache or pain that won't go away I'm convinced, despite knowing better, is something terrible. Usually cancer. As wonderful as being on Humira has been, and as much good as it's done me, the spectre of cancer comes along with it. Not because my odds of getting cancer have increased by much at all. Studies have shown that absolutely not to be the case. It's more of a mental thing.
And it's the mental aspect of having this disease that I've struggled with the most. I've gone from rarely ever seeing a doctor to seeing one every couple of weeks, it seems. What's that lump on the side of my neck? Why do I have this left side head pressure? Why does my testicle ache? Why am I having to urinate more frequently than usual? Why is my blood pressure high for the first time in my life? What's that pain in my chest? And on and on and on. I feels like a marathon of health issues I can never quite get to the end of.
I keep thinking that I'm nearly done. That I've dealt with nearly ever issue. But then a new one crops up and it more trips to the doctor. I never struggled with depression before in my life. Never ever really understood it. But lately I find I'm down in the dumps more often than not.
I have one more issue to deal with and my hope is that by summer maybe, MAYBE, I'll be at the end of all the doctor appointments. I'd really love a few months of simple peace and living life. Like I used to. Just to be able to live a while without worrying that something was wrong.
That's the thing they don't tell you about PsA. Yes, it takes a physical toll but the mental toll is so much worse. This was kind of a rambling stream of consciousness and I'm not really sure what my point is. Maybe I just needed to vent for a bit. But this is where my head is at right now. And I hate it. And I thought getting out might help a little.
Hey Sean, I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling now. Did writing this down and getting it out help at all?
Your post struck a chord with me as I went through something similar with another diagnosis a few years ago now. I was also at the doctors every couple of weeks having to get one thing or another checked out. It can feel exhausting. I am sure we're not the only ones to have gone through this either.
The toll that a chronic illness can take on us mentally is often underestimated. It can feel incredibly wearing at times. Have you been able to chat to your doctor about this side of things? Of course, we're always here anytime you need a space to share. I'm sending you a big hug! - Catherine, Community Moderator
Hi Cathy. Thanks for checking in.
I was in a pretty dark place when I wrote that last week. One nagging health issue after another was beginning to take a mental toll. I had a Come to Jesus meeting with myself over the weekend to try and get back into a more positive frame of mind. I CAN see a light at the end of the tunnel and I think I'm getting to a place very soon where all the doctors appointments will be over with for a while. That will be a nice break because I need it. I've just had some nagging pelvic pain that we're trying to get to the bottom of. Once that's resolved I think I'll be in good shape and hopefully will be able to take a break from all the doctors for a while.
Hello
I am so glad that you are starting to feel a bit better and see that there will be a break soon. Sometimes it can feel like we jump an endless amount of hurdles each one worse than the next, and it certainly wears on you, both physically and emotionally. Much like you, I've struggled so much with the emotional effects of living with PsA. I really didn't understand anxiety but it seemed that each new doctor appointment brought on a fresh wave of it. Along with the fear that I'd never feel better and never be able to pick up the pieces of my life and hold it all together. I think I've pretty much googled every possible blood test, every symptom, and every possible side effect.
I know it isn't good for me, yet I keep doing it. What's up with that? I know all I'm going to end up reading about is cancer, yet I keep doing it. (insert crazy emoji here...lol). What I do know is that you are stronger than you think. If you need to talk to your doctor about depression or anxiety, don't wait. I take a very small amount of Prozac (something I had literally never given a second thought to before) and it makes a difference not only in my anxiety levels, but my pain levels as well. I never knew there was a connection between mental health meds and pain management, but apparently there is. (Google it, you'll see- lol). I've learned that there are a lot of ups and downs to living with PsA, be patient with yourself and please come back and share more of your story. I'm sure others can relate and we can all feel less alone with this. Take care and sending gentle hugs 😀
-Leanne, Community Moderator
hey sean I've only recently been diagnosed with psa and every single worry you mention i have thought of myself. in fact the testicle pain is what eventually led me to be diagnosed with psa. Just last night i had shortness of breath so i immediately think "lung damage from mtx", i have spasms everywhere along with brain zaps so you guessed it "I bet I have ms" armpits and neck are sore "well that has to be the lymphoma from enbrel, thats my luck". I feel your pain and i'm learning very quickly that psa not only hurts physically but it's a serious mental and emotional parasite. This is so close to my situation i was going to make a similar post, but when I read the title I knew immediately what you were going to say. Best of luck I hope that gives you a little piece of mind, but if your like me it probably doesn't 🙁
