Last Night Scared Me

I'm having a rough day. There, I said it. Why is it so hard for me to admit that? I go through life saying I'm fine, I'm doing ok. When I try to tell people that I hurt all the time, that I'm exhausted, that I don't feel well, they usually respond with, oh, my arthritis is killing me and I shut up.

Living with a new "normal" of chronic pain

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 10 years ago and arthritis in my spine. I broke out in psoriasis two years ago. I have neuropathy in both feet. I have Afib and IBS. I take an antidepressant and Arthritis Tylenol 2 times a day which I am going to increase.

I was referred to a rheumatologist in our health plan who I did not like. She was very condescending. She asked why I couldn't put my toes down flat and why my knees looked like that. She said, you have osteoarthritis in your hips, knees and feet and there is nothing we can do about that. I will put you on gabapentin or... I can't remember the other one. I said I had been on both with no change. She said, then there is nothing I can do for you. Perhaps you can find a doctor who will give you pills. I do not want to take opioid-type drugs because it makes you fuzzy and sleepy.

I can usually get through a "normal" day. I do transcription online to keep my hands working. I purposely live in a second-floor apartment. I am lucky in that I have no little kids anymore and don't work. I am 77 years old, overweight, and live alone. I always have trouble going to sleep but can sleep basically when I want.

A difficult psoriatic arthritis flare

Last night was hard. Here in Texas, we've been having unusual amounts of rain. The thunderstorms cause my joints and muscles and feet to be on fire. I could not go to sleep. I wear compression socks and gloves. I have pillows to pad my legs and bodies. I have a fan for white noise. Last night I was in agony.

I remember reading recently how some people living with chronic pain take their lives. At one point last night, I can clearly remember thinking, I can't take this anymore and it scared me. What if I really can't do this? I started to panic and I knew I had to get myself under control.

One of the first things I realized was this was one of my flares. It was not like others I've read about, but this was mine. Most people can't comprehend what it means to have chronic pain. My best friend told me I can't possibly be in pain all the time because it would drive me crazy. Well, it almost did last night.

Not an easy path

It's very lonely having a chronic condition. I have to learn to speak up for myself and say, I'm not doing well today and that's ok. I give myself permission to have bad days. This is not an easy path.

I'm grateful to have this community. It helps knowing I'm not alone. So many people are suffering much more than me. I hope they know in those moments when they feel like they can't go on that there are people who do care and who do understand. We can do this.