Feeling hopeless with psoriatic arthritis

I am 28 years old and last year I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis. The main areas that are affected are my hands, they were inflamed constantly for 2 years prior to my diagnosis. I have not yet started medication due to delays with covid.

How PsA has impacted all aspects of my life

Firstly I realize other people here suffer with far more extensive forms of this disease and I admire every one of you that has managed to make the best of this horrible situation and continue to live a full life in spite of it. But I fear that's not for me. Before I developed this disease, I was a professional tattooist, a gym rat, avid climber and even competed in mixed martial arts tournaments. My whole life I defined myself through my body and what it was capable of. Then one day my hands balloon up and I simply can't do ANYTHING that I enjoy or am good at anymore... I had to leave my dream job, ditch all of my hobbies and the social circles I made through them. I am more alone and depressed than I have ever been.

Varying experiences make expectations hard

I have browsed a lot of stories and it's so difficult to find a representation of what to expect, even the biggest successes seem to be periods of remission followed by semi regular flare ups. It remains a problem. I'm not sure if this perspective is skewed because people with complete remission don't continue to use sites like this and share their successes, but everything I read just makes the outlook seem more bleak. PSA seems to permeate every aspect of life, even after treatment.

Feeling hopeless about life

I respect you all so much for living with this, but I know my own limitations. I am unwilling to settle for an imperfect fix, knowing that my life will be forever worse. Giving up on my dreams, re-evaluating my goals.. I just can't do it.

I told myself when this nightmare started that if I could never be the way I was before or live the life I SHOULD be living, then I was done. I know I'm selfish for being unwilling to compromise my goals for my health. But I've lost EVERYTHING because of this and whatever half-life waits for me at the end of this road.. I don't want it. The prospect of continuing to live, knowing what I've lost is beyond soul crushing.

Sorry for the long post guys, I just needed to say that to someone. I wish you all the best and hope that one day they can cure this so nobody else has to feel this way.

Sorry for bumming you out.

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