What was that I just went through?

I am an early riser. I worked in nursing for 26 years and was up before anyone else. This is my quiet time, my Mother lives with my husband and I. Also, he recently lost his job. The future was so uncertain. I would wake up (when I actually slept a few hours from exhaustion) and feel my body become very restless, shaking, breathing deep trying to get a full breath, heart pounding, and relax but I could not.

My husband lost his job just before Christmas. Three months we struggled to keep ahead. I spent a lot of time, stressing and kept it from my Mother. Hid it from my husband at the same time. Before long I could not even stand to hear my kitties calling me for food. IT just raked over my nerves and I thought, "I am going to die. I really am."

While running the sweeper, my husband slept (I don't sleep well with RLS and it was daytime and I was mad as heck) I thought of my adult daughters (I have 2) and how I would not be able to get anyone anything for the holiday. I began to start breathing as though I was out of breath. My heart was pounding, I was shaking I needed air. Before long I was on the floor for 10 mins crying and crying and trying to breathe through the tears. I let the sweeper run the whole time because I did not want to talk to my husband at all. I was mad at him for losing his job. IT passed but I said nothing to anyone except my Doctor. For 3 years I have mentioned and carried a diagnosis of anxiety on my medical record without any intervention.

A few days later it happened again, this time worse. I had my husband call my doctor's office and ask if I could get an appointment that day, but they only looked on MY Doctor's schedule, (no other doctors in that practice) who I knew was off until Jan 15th. They told me I could go to the hospital, where I waited breathlessly and crying for 5 hours. Then had to leave to go home to get my Mother supper and returned again later that evening. I got home at one a.m. I was exhausted and had 3 Ativan at my disposal. I met with Crisis Intervention, and the next day obtained that doctors appointment for follow-up from the hospital visit. Later I was apologized to for not giving me an appointment.

I was not only angry but frustrated that it took this activity to get help. I lost faith in my doctors, hospitals, husband, Mother, and myself along with all the household things I do to keep it up and running. I was ordered to take a serotonin re-uptake called Zoloft. I was also on Bupropion for several years. They told me this is an anti-anxiety medication. This medication influences Dopamine, the Zoloft will influence the serotonin. To help the stresses, Atarax (Vistaril). Now that I have more medications on the list, I am frustrated by that fact.

I belong to our local gym. I can swim there and walk when I can etc. I have not been there for almost 3 weeks now and I can feel the difference in pain levels. I did not care about anything.

What I can say to all of this is, tell people how you feel, do not worry about what it will do to them, but how it will help you. Women like me seem to ride the same roller coaster and expect different results every time. Things are not the same for me and never will be. Our life with arthritis cannot be the same for the family, either. Even if they do not want to hear it, you must take your own body in your own hands. Tell your doctors about your anxiety. If that one does not listen get another one until they do listen. No one should have to go through the gauntlet to get help for a real disease, having this addiction to opiates thing held over our heads also makes for even more frustration. Crisis Intervention asked me if I felt like hurting myself, my answer was no, and the answer to hurting someone else, I replied I would love to beat the crap out of stupid people. I am not the type to say things like this, but boy what a relief it was. I am a bit better but I do not think Vistaril is the drug for me, I would end up NOT taking it due to the side effects, no driving and I want to sleep but cannot. That is something I battle every day and do not want to add to. Keep trying, keep talking, keep yourself, keep consistent, and at your best, say NO and let it lay there. If someone doesn't like it and wants to get away from you because of this disease and its processes, let them go, they will not be in your future illness anyways to help you. Sometimes you need to get extreme to take care of the extreme.