Just Stumbling Through My Psoriatic Life

How often do you feel like you’ve “got it all together?” Everything is going along as it should? Life is just going smoothly?

Probably like most people, your answer (with or without psoriatic arthritis) is rarely, if ever. It is more like I’m running headfirst into a brick wall.

Stumbling through the daily tasks of psoriatic arthritis

Throw in psoriatic arthritis and even those rare moments of feeling like you’ve got your sh*t together, are long gone.

No matter if you are speaking metaphorically or literally, I feel like I’m just stumbling through my life.

Dropping

Oh my goodness, the dropping! Everything from cups and bottles to thoughts, words, and sentences. Drop goes the eggs. Crash goes the milk. My hands lack the strength to hold anything heavier than a single sheet of paper most days. Everything seems to be dropping like a cell phone signal in the middle of the Atlantic.

“What was I saying again? I don’t remember.” It’s not only drinks that are dropping, but entire conversations are also lost. Mid-sentence, they are just gone. My words, my thoughts, they are all lost, replaced with looks of confusion. All too often I have to admit that I have no clue what I was trying to say.

Dragging

I drag my body out of bed. I drag my body to the shower. I drag my body to work. I drag my body back home again.

I want to run and jump like the people I see in the commercials. I want to feel the exhilaration of a perfect putt. I want the energy to never let psoriatic arthritis “hold me back.” I’m certainly not “living.” I’m just dragging my body around like some giant flopping toddler.

The dragging never stops. It rarely even gets any easier. Despite my husband’s best efforts to push, pull, or shove me along, it’s just no use. I live in a perpetual state of exhaustion. Which is farther exasperated by this incessant need to keep “living,” for whatever that means.

Stumbling

You would think that putting one foot in front of the other wouldn’t be all that difficult. But sadly, it is. I stumble up the stairs. I stumble down the stairs. I stumble getting out of the car. Heck, I even stumble over my own words.

What if I’m having a “good” day? Then I don’t actually fall on my face when I stumble. But that has been known to happy quite frequently these days.

Coping through the daily tasks

That pretty much makes up my entire day. Dropping, dragging and stumbling my way through my life. As much as I’d like to think that I’m just being dramatic, sadly I’m not. This is the reality of what it is like to live with psoriatic arthritis.

I suppose I should use my cane. Or at least be grateful that I can still manage to sort of walk. But I don’t and if I’m being honest, I’m not grateful at all.

I’m sad. And I’m angry. And I’m… wait, what was I saying again? I don’t remember.