Running the Race with No End in Sight

By Leanne Donaldson

3 min read

The doctors, the bottles of medicine, the constant pain, the anxiety, the appointments-sometimes it all closes in on me, burying me under its heavy burden. Sometimes it feels like the load is just too much to carry. If I could just manage to set it all down, just for a bit, maybe then I could catch my breath and gather my strength to carry on.

The burden gets heavier

It seems every time I turn around there is a new burden to pick up and add to my load. Try this medicine. Get this test done. Add another doctor. Ice a new swollen joint. Get my eyes checked again. Now add another diagnosis to my growing list of autoimmune conditions. Some days it feels like it will never end. I just need a break, a reprieve from the burden that is living with this disease.

We all have our limits

There are days when I have hit my limit. When one more thing is just one more too much. The burdens of this disease become more than I can smile through, more than I can laugh off, more than I lie my way through with yet another, I'm alright.

Running the race

It feels as if I'm under water and can't catch my breath. I can't make it back to the surface and the weight of living with psoriatic arthritis is keeping me under and pulling me out with the tide. It's more than the pain, more than the fatigue. It is living every single day with no break, no place to set this burden down. No way to find rest. No one to pass the baton to in this endless race. Only me. Alone. Continuing up the mountain, running the race, searching for the shore. Fighting for a break.

The race will never end

There are days when this is the best I have to offer. Sympathy. Understanding. When I feel like the race will never end, there is no finish line in sight. The weight of the pain, the appointments, the uncertain future, all make finding the light feel impossible. When I feel as if there isn't one more thing I can carry or it will break me.

Then, I see someone next to me. I look to my left, I look to my right, it is suddenly just us, her and I. I think, “No, I don't have the energy to help her. I have nothing left to give. I can't help her in her journey, mine is all I can focus on.”

But she looks tired. She looks scared. Her breathing is faint and she can't take another step on her own. She is all alone. I am the only one around.

No. I can't. I can't even carry my own load, how will I ever manage to carry hers too especially when there is no end in sight?

But she looks miserable. Silent tears are streaming down her face. I look around frantically, surely she isn't alone. Surely there is someone around to help her, to help us. No. Not another soul. We are alone in this race, her and I. Seeking the finish line that is nowhere in sight. I have no other choice.

I'm tired.

I’m hurting.

I'm angry.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm scared.

I can't take another step….

I use every last bit of energy to hold out my hand. Our swollen fingers meet and we are no longer alone. I shoulder her grief and mine feels lighter. I pick up her pain and become steadier with every step because together we are stronger than we ever could be alone. Together, we continue the race and look forward to a brighter tomorrow. We may not know it, but one day there will be an end in sight.

We are stronger as a community. We are stronger when we are together. Even though our individual burdens are heavy, when we are part of the psoriatic arthritis community, we are never alone.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Psoriatic-Arthritis.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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jvbs Member
You just helped me. Just by reading this, I feel a little less alone. Thank you.
1. Leanne Donaldson Moderator & Contributor
 Oh my Beth V, your simple response just had me in tears. Thank you for sharing that it helped you, that means the world to me! There is real help to be found in feeling just a little less alone. Sending you gentle hugs across cyberspace today. 😀 ~Leanne, Community Moderator/Contributor
dmboc Member
Leanne , Thank you for your insight. I get so focused on issues. Lately LOT OF ISSUES. Not just PSA but breast cancer, (which I'm dealing with) then my husband was diagnosis with heart failure. In the last 4 months. I've gotten way off my path of helping others. Thanks for pointing me in a new direction.
sleepysorescaly Member
Leanne, I come back and read this frequently. I may as well post it on my refrigerator. I was shocked but I suppose not surprised at how unbelievably accurate this description is. Lately more days than not this scenario plays out over and over for me like groundhog day. I am a nurse (PSA/Psoriasis) I work full time have a family, small child, long commute, long hours. After I wake up in the morning (if you call it that-usually restlessly give up around 3:30 a.m) husband is already gone for work, painfully adjust myself on couch-where I sleep almost every night- until I awkwardly roll out and shuffle around confused and cussing for about 10 minutes, everything SWOLLEN, make lunches, gather outfits, pack bags/bookbags, feed pets, take meds-make sure have meds for the day. Look in the mirror-why? Hair falling out and so dry and lifeless, scalp a mess, face flakey/red. But what about the half a bottle of moisturizer I used 3 hours ago? And the medicated shampoo? Huh? Dark circles under my eyes, bruises on my belly from my Biologic. Breakfast. Whomykidding! Doritos and beef jerky in the car on the way to babysitter to catch the bus. Hour and a half commute to work. By the time I get there I've already been up for 4.5 hours and I'm ready for a nap and my hips are killing me usually my knees and feet too, and if it's a really rough day my hands and elbows just from holding the steering wheel. Work until lunch, cry in the bathroom when everything hurts. Lunch cry in my car. Most days my coworker D is hurting just as badly as I am (she suffers from SLE or Lupus) I know when she's hurting, flaring, struggling, weak, tired, DONE. So many times we have reached out a swollen hand to one another to ease the burden and the weight of "one more thing" many times I'm sure without even knowing that we've done it. We are not alone unless we choose to be. Look left, look right, thank goodness she is still there
sarahr Member
Exactly how I feel right now. I wish I could get all my family to read this. I just get told to cheer up or keep quiet because I'm bringing others down on the odd occasion I accidentally let it spill out. No wonder the suicide rate for people like us is higher. I SO Wish I had a real life friend who understood.