A Letter to Myself

Psoriatic arthritis and my other chronic illnesses have done much more than inflict pain on my body. They have also changed how I live, altered my future plans, financially robbed me, and stole my identity. Instead of people referring to me as the silly, bubbly, blonde, they began calling me the sick one.

It didn’t take long for me to begin loathing the sick girl. I hated that she couldn’t make plans or that she failed to follow through when she did. I despised how she spent her time, home and alone.

Advice to myself

I really didn’t detest myself; it was actually my chronic illnesses that I abhorred. By accepting this, I was able to learn to love myself again. One exercise that helped me remember who I was beyond my illnesses was to write a love letter to myself. To share the full letter I would need to publish a book. Instead, I will share a condensed version, from the view of someone not living in my body.

Dear Cynthia,

I know you haven’t felt like yourself for quite some time. I know it feels like you have lost everything you were to psoriatic arthritis, psoriasis, fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, and endometriosis, but I’m here to tell you that you haven’t lost everything.

It is your chronic illnesses that make you feel weak, not anything you did. Excruciating physical pain is what altered your life. I know you didn’t chose to spend years in bed, to continually cancel plans, or to empty your bank account paying for medications, treatments, and surgeries.

Stop blaming yourself for being chronically ill. You didn’t ask for it or do anything to cause it.

You are a survivor and a warrior! Look at everything you overcame in life before your illnesses took over your body. You found the strength to survive those trials and I promise you will find the strength to live with your chronic illnesses.

Don’t believe the lies your diseases whisper into your ear. Whenever you think that you are not worthy of being loved, respected, or of living, I want you to shout out “Yes I am!” You may not be like other moms, wives, daughters, or friends, but you are still a good one. You aren’t loved because of what you can or cannot physically do, but because you are a good listener, compassionate, and supportive.

Thank you for not giving up, even when your health was at its worst. Thank you for fighting for your life in ways that most will never have to do. Some think of stubbornness as a fault. However, yours helped you find ways to not only live with your illnesses and pain, but to also discover ways to reduce your pain. You are anything but a quitter.

Your strength, faith, stubbornness, will to live, and creativity inspires me to never give up no matter what life throws my way.

Love,

Me