I Miss The Person I Used To Be...

1 min read

The pain started in 2009. The arthritis in my right hip was discovered in 2013. Since then, other joints have become significantly impacted as well – my left foot, both knees, the SI joint, my lower & middle spine, the neck, shoulders, elbows, & hands.

The impact on daily life

By 2017, I was no longer able to ascend & descend stairs and started having to use the store's mobility cart when shopping. 2019 & 2020 hit me especially hard. I ended up having to quit work and go out on disability. I'm only good on my feet for a few minutes and it requires the use of two canes for stability & balance.

Unfortunately, I do not have the financial wherewithal to afford to get an "official" diagnosis and treatment. Nevertheless, symptoms, x-rays, and the results of a skin biopsy ordered by my primary care physician pretty much confirm it's PsA.

The strain of fatigue and lack of sleep

My sleep is constantly disrupted and therefore never restorative. The excruciating pain, the debilitating exhaustion & fatigue, as well as the continuing loss of mobility & function is quite disheartening. Every night I pray that I don't wake up the next morning to face yet another day of this living nightmare because accepting what the future holds is downright frightening!

Help from a good therapist

With that being said, I am working with a really good therapist to help me cope & deal with the anxiety & depression brought on by all this. She is also helping me to grieve all the things that this dreadful condition has stolen from me.

I miss the person I used to be!

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minelcannucciari Community Admin
Hi @Pfrog23 💜🐸, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. I appreciate you being such an active member of our community, I've seen your comments on our Facebook and Twitter before, so it's really nice to get some more background information on your situation. I think a lot of people with PsA or a chronic condition can really relate to your feelings of missing your old self before the pain. Many share that a diagnosis (even if not official) can come with very mixed emotions, relief, but also grief and mourning. Please know you're not alone in your experiences. Have you heard of the term painsomnia? Some people in the community use that to refer to the pain that keeps them from sleeping. Insomnia doesn't just mean that one can't fall asleep, it can also be to stay asleep or get restful sleep. Coupled with the fatigue and sheer exhaustion from the pain, I'm sure it can be quite draining. One of our advocates, Clair has written a lot about her experiences with sleep struggles: https://psoriatic-arthritis.com/living/burning-midnight-oil-struggling-sleep. Thoughts of progression and the future are also quite daunting. One of our advocates wrote about his experiences, maybe you can relate: <a href='https://psoriatic-arthritis.com/living/progression-fear' target='_blank'>https://psoriatic-arthritis.com/living/progression-fear</a>. I'm glad you have a good therapist, our mental health is often just as important as physical health. Thank you again for sharing your experiences 💜 Sending gentle hugs, Minel (Team Member)
Diane T Moderator & Contributor
Hello Pfrog23 , Just checking in to see how things are going? I know how you feel. I can understand what you mean by missing your own self. I used to run track in high school and had to stop in my senior year. I was heartbroken. Please let us know how you are doing and stay in touch. Diane (Team Member)

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