Missing the Old Me
I try to be realistic in my journey of managing life with psoriatic arthritis. I have come to terms with my limitations. They are simply my reality now. A reality that was not an easy one to accept. This reality also comes with frustrating days. Those are real too.
Today is one of those days. I miss the old me. The person I was before psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis invaded my life. Maybe I should take those memories of myself and file them away somewhere, never to be called upon again. Today is not an easy day for me, and I have to admit that.
One thing is for certain while there are good days, there are also those days like today. I miss myself.
Referring to my former self...
"The way back then me" is how I refer to my former self, what I used to be like. The "way back then me" was determined, relentless, and knew what she wanted in life. The "way back then me" would work tirelessly to clean and refurbish a mobile home that most thoughts was only good for a wood pile. Boy, did I enjoy the looks on people’s faces that would come see my trailer after the work was done?
The "way back then me" had no problem working an eight-hour job that required a lot of bending over and lifting. I was a private housekeeper cleaning a three-story mansion for a prominent family in our community.
A new normal means a new reality
Me now is nothing like the "way back then me". I had to stop working because the pain of psoriatic arthritis made it impossible to work an eight-hour day. There is a part of me that misses that job. The family was excellent to work for, and I had a sense of independence.
That beloved trailer has been replaced with a newer one. No way could I do all the things I did to refurbish that old one. I’m doing well if I can work an hour on doing my own house cleaning. I cannot even tend to my flower garden like I love to do. It doesn’t take long for my back to be in real pain from bending over.
Down days are temporary.
It’s hard not to reflect on how I used to be. Face it, we all have our down days. Everything could be perfectly normal like the "way back then me", and I could still have a down day. The current me on most days can accept my life as it is now. However, there are still those down days.
I would love to find a treatment that brings me closer to the way back then. The doctors and I haven’t found it yet. Alas, this is my life now. While today might not be a good day, I know there are better days ahead. Otherwise I could sit and be miserable every day in my thoughts, and that is no place to be, at least for me.
Life goes on one way or another.
This or That
After getting diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, I felt more
How often do you feel guilty when declining social invitations due to your PsA?