I Can Only Apologize So Much

Sometimes, I feel as if all I ever say are apologies. If I had a dime for every time I said, “I’m sorry,” I might actually be able to pay all of my medical bills. I find myself apologizing for pretty much everything these days. After a while, it can wear on a person. The constant feelings of guilt, like what I do have to offer will never be enough. But when it comes down to it, I can only apologize so much.

No, I can’t go with you to the park today, I’m sorry.

No, I won’t be able to get to the store today, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well today.

Over and over again

When I say it, I really mean it. But somehow, when you find yourself saying the same thing over and over again, it sort of loses some of its meaning and sincerity. And I’m sure, those on the receiving end of my constant apologizing get just as tired of hearing it. But honestly, I really don’t know what else to say.

I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch.

I’m sorry, I just couldn’t make it.

It doesn’t really help

I’m constantly apologizing because I’m not the person I used to be. I apologize for being the person that psoriatic arthritis has forced me to be. I’m frustrated and angry at myself for not being stronger, for giving in to the pain, for not being who I used to be. So I apologize, again and again, to my family and friends. But why? It doesn’t make me feel better. It certainly doesn’t make them feel better. Yet, I constantly feel the need to say it.

Oh, the guilt

Because with apologies comes guilt. People say, and logic agrees, that when it comes to PsA, I didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. And yet, I constantly feel like maybe I did do something wrong. If I was stronger or if I was better, I’d make it.

Perhaps if I had just tried harder.

If I pushed through the pain more.

If I had made better use of what little energy I do have.

Or worse…

If I had a different doctor.

If I chose a different medicine.

If I had only known…

These thoughts, these words, even these feeling are a dangerous, slippery slope. One that only ends in guilt, regret, and depression. Those that love us the most should not need our apologies in order to understand. We didn’t ask for this. We are all doing the best we can. Sure, people will be let down when we can’t make it to a party, outing, or dinner. Our children will be disappointed that we can’t chase them through the park. Our spouses will feel overwhelmed when another day passes and the house is still a mess.

Maybe if I just gave in. If I stopped making plans with friends, if I stopped expecting so much from myself and others. Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel this continuous need to apologize. I wouldn’t need to say I’m sorry if no one expects anything. But then again, there would probably be no one around to say I’m sorry to.

But in the end, I can only apologize so much.