Why I Say I Am Fine

If I had a nickel for every time, I said “I am fine” since my psoriatic arthritis diagnosis, I would be a millionaire. This phrase has become my go-to response whenever I am asked how I am doing. It isn’t that I purposefully say it; it just happens.

After recently catching myself saying it during a moment when I was anything but fine, I thought it might be time to take a look at why I keep doing it.

Is is polite?

Sharing details about my physical or mental health with everyone who asks me how I am doing would be strange. Not just for myself, but for the people who asked. Can you imagine if everyone told you exactly how they felt when you greeted them?

I clearly know when to answer differently, yet my brain struggles to recognize the moment until it has passed. For example, I have been in the emergency room, doubled over in pain, and have answered with I am fine when the doctor enters and asks how I am doing. Because he asks this as he enters the room, my brain automatically treats it as a polite greeting. I need to say that I am NOT fine because that is exactly why I am at the hospital.

Knowing how engrained this response is in my mind, I acknowledge the need to make more effort to respond accordingly. This will be possible if I take time to form my response.

Mental fatigue

Between brain fog and being mentally exhausted from keeping track of and attending to pain and symptoms, there are times when I just don’t have the mental capacity to discuss how I am. Sometimes the words I am fine are the only ones that I can express.

It isn’t that I am hiding anything, but that I am just too tired to talk about it. Outside of avoiding conversations, I really do not know how to get around this.

It isn’t like I can wipe the cobwebs from my brain. But this bit of knowledge is something that I can pass on to those close to me.

Shielding myself from the pain

I have been aware of the first two reasons for saying I am fine for quite some time. However, it was like being hit in the face when I realized that saying those words are often my way of shielding myself from the pain.

It isn’t that I am not aware of my physical pain, but that I am a master at disassociating. My life with chronic pain from psoriatic arthritis and other chronic conditions didn’t begin until I reached my 30’s.

At the age of 4, I unknowingly turned to disassociation to protect myself emotionally from early childhood abuse and trauma. My entire life has been spent protecting myself from emotional and physical pain.

Building protective walls

Admitting that I am not fine would cause my protective walls to erode and crumble. The result would be feeling the pain that my mind knows is too extreme for me to handle. There is no simple fix or solution to this issue. This is something that is going to take a lot of work and assistance from my therapist.

What are some of your reasons for saying I am fine?