Why I Say I Am Fine

By Cynthia Covert

2 min read

If I had a nickel for every time, I said “I am fine” since my psoriatic arthritis diagnosis, I would be a millionaire. This phrase has become my go-to response whenever I am asked how I am doing. It isn’t that I purposefully say it; it just happens.

After recently catching myself saying it during a moment when I was anything but fine, I thought it might be time to take a look at why I keep doing it.

Is is polite?

Sharing details about my physical or mental health with everyone who asks me how I am doing would be strange. Not just for myself, but for the people who asked. Can you imagine if everyone told you exactly how they felt when you greeted them?

I clearly know when to answer differently, yet my brain struggles to recognize the moment until it has passed. For example, I have been in the emergency room, doubled over in pain, and have answered with I am fine when the doctor enters and asks how I am doing. Because he asks this as he enters the room, my brain automatically treats it as a polite greeting. I need to say that I am NOT fine because that is exactly why I am at the hospital.

Knowing how engrained this response is in my mind, I acknowledge the need to make more effort to respond accordingly. This will be possible if I take time to form my response.

Mental fatigue

Between brain fog and being mentally exhausted from keeping track of and attending to pain and symptoms, there are times when I just don’t have the mental capacity to discuss how I am. Sometimes the words I am fine are the only ones that I can express.

It isn’t that I am hiding anything, but that I am just too tired to talk about it. Outside of avoiding conversations, I really do not know how to get around this.

It isn’t like I can wipe the cobwebs from my brain. But this bit of knowledge is something that I can pass on to those close to me.

Shielding myself from the pain

I have been aware of the first two reasons for saying I am fine for quite some time. However, it was like being hit in the face when I realized that saying those words are often my way of shielding myself from the pain.

It isn’t that I am not aware of my physical pain, but that I am a master at disassociating. My life with chronic pain from psoriatic arthritis and other chronic conditions didn’t begin until I reached my 30’s.

At the age of 4, I unknowingly turned to disassociation to protect myself emotionally from early childhood abuse and trauma. My entire life has been spent protecting myself from emotional and physical pain.

Building protective walls

Admitting that I am not fine would cause my protective walls to erode and crumble. The result would be feeling the pain that my mind knows is too extreme for me to handle. There is no simple fix or solution to this issue. This is something that is going to take a lot of work and assistance from my therapist.

What are some of your reasons for saying I am fine?

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geoff Member
I do exactly the same, only I say "yes, I'm alright", it comes out so naturally and automatically before I even know I'm saying it, the only problem is most of the time I'm not alright, the issue with Psa is if you don't have it, then you can't understand it and trying to explain it is above a lot of peoples level. I find it easier to hide behind a personal statement of 3 words than explaining to somebody who really isn't interested and in reality probably not even listening. Having this disease is not only painful but mobility limiting, confusing and many more but the worst part for me is the frustration it causes with every little thing you do whether you're trying to sleep or get through the day.
1. Vickie Wilkerson Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="geoff" user-id="3286520"/> I am sorry you are feeling frustration but I understand it. It is so hard going through a day that you know you will face pain no matter what you do. Frustration is something I deal with almost daily. When I get to that point I turn to music to help try to recenter myself. Do you find anything helps you when you get frustrated? Vickie W., Team Member
geoff Member
Thank you for your reply, frustration is different with each and every person, I tend to go out into the garden and potter around for a while, this helps me re-focus, my problem is along with the Psa I also have Oestio, PTSD, Type 2 Diabetes and Asthma and have a cocktail of medication, never counted daily intake in case I frighten myself! in the original text it mentions Brain Fog along with fatigue, try explaining those symptoms to somebody who doesn't have this, Impossible. The illness is so complex that even us with it find it hard to understand, let alone those people who have not got it trying to get their heads around it, it's great we have sights like this to help each other get through every day.