Stranger Danger

Chronic pain from psoriatic arthritis has at one time or another turned me into an ugly beast. No, I am not talking about how I look, but instead about how I treat others. Before finding a treatment plan that managed my pain and symptoms extremely well, physical pain took a toll on my personality.

Living in a pain nightmare

Physical pain and having no way to reduce that pain can be a nightmare. It overshadows everything and literally takes over my life. Unmanageable chronic pain of any sort does more than cause physical discomfort. It also creates a short fuse, confuses my thoughts, and hinders my ability to think rationally.

It’s heartbreaking to admit that during those times, I have treated friends and family poorly. But I did, and all I can do is hope that they understand that it was the pain and not me that was such a wicked witch.

Broken by the pain

Pain breaks a person. They may not reach the point of lashing out at others, but they may find it difficult to hold a conversation. When my physical pain is out of control I struggle to put sentences together and get frustrated trying to find the words I want to say. Physical pain also alters my emotional state. Sure I can pretend to be happy and look like I am enjoying an afternoon out while experiencing extreme pain, but underneath the façade, my world is a dark and depressing universe that I wish for no one else to understand. Behind the smile are tears and rage.

Watch out

When I am dealing with high levels of pain whether it is from psoriatic arthritis or another one of my chronic illnesses, I am not myself. I have to wear a “mask,” because if people really saw how I felt, they would run for the hills. I shield them with a fake smile and phony laugh when inside all I want to do is scream and cry.

Unfortunately, there are levels of pain that knock my “mask” off, revealing the horror show that lies beneath. When that mask comes off, all bets on how I respond and react to any situation are also off. At this point friends and family aren’t the only ones who have to watch out for my wrath, so does every stranger who comes into contact with me. I have snapped at cashiers who just asked how my day was going. I have lashed out at grocery store baggers who didn’t bag my groceries the right way. I have screamed at people who are waiting for my parking spot.

Going dark

Avoiding outings and conversations are the best things I can do until I am able to reduce my pain. I know it must hurt my friends and family when I ignore their call or message, but if they knew how much worse a conversation would be they would understand. I do the same when I have to leave the house. Avoiding eye contact and conversation is the best thing for the general public, not to mention my own sanity. It’s bad enough to have to deal with the pain, fight the beast it turns me into, and to hear the things that come out of my mouth, but it is worse to know that I have hurt someone with those words.

Am I the only one who retreats and cuts off communication when severely flaring?