Communicating in Love

Relationships are complex on a good day. There are so many layers to romantic relationships. We need to find that balance and make compromises along the way.

Each person coming into the relationship comes with their own baggage. Some of us, come with enough for a backpack and then there are those of us who bring enough to fill a Boeing 747 cargo hold. I certainly think I fall somewhere between the two. 

Bringing a chronic illness or two can certainly take up a whole lot of that space. Among my colorful array of things I also bring psoriatic arthritis along, and gosh does that keep things interesting.

Sharing your chronic condition when dating

There is always this debate about when is the right time to tell someone about your chronic condition. I do not think that there is a straightforward answer here. It is about what is right for you, for me though it is in the first few dates.

This is important to me, and something I would want to get out of the way. If I wait too long the anxiety of this makes me crazy. 

So within the first few dates, it will come up in conversation. More often than not I have been pleasantly surprised at how accepting people are of this. 

I have often been met with empathy and understanding and by instigating this conversation. It makes the conversation comfortable if they have something they want to talk about.

After the honeymoon phase ends

Once the honeymoon phase has passed and life is settling into the usual humdrum. The acceptance may still be there, however, some of the frustration may also start creeping in.

I am the first to understand this, as I do not always know what to expect on any given day. So for my partner that can be equally frustrating, in particular when it comes to making plans and cancelling plans. The inconsistency of being able to do something one day and then the next day, nothing.

Certain things have helped me manage my relationships, and I will share these with you next. Communication remains my biggest tool when managing a relationship and my psoriatic arthritis. Set realistic goals, not all days look the same and your partner needs to know this, even if they do not understand it 100%.

That being said, keep them in the loop about how you are feeling in the day, without giving a blow-by-blow, just find the balance so that they know where you are at. I find it particularly helpful when I know some events and things need doing.

If you feel you might need to cancel, give them a prior warning and offer an alternative if you can. For instance, I do not see a chance to go to the dinner party tonight, but if you would like to go, please do. If you would like to stay in with me, we could get some snacks and watch your favorite film.

Putting effort in

Make sure you do what you can for your relationship when you can. When you have the energy and are feeling good, make sure to celebrate that and bring your partner in on that joy, too. Share the good with them as much as you share the hardships.

Hold space for them too, being in a relationship with someone who has psoriatic arthritis is not easy, it has many days that are going to be hard. This will often times not be personal and just them also experiencing it from their point of view. 

I try not to allow it to anger me, which can be hard as I can be defensive about my psoriactic arthritis specifically. I remind myself that they are also living this to a degree and hold space for that person in love and respect.

All relationships require both partners making an effort. Be kind to each other, allow your partner to help you when they can and allow them to do what they can.