How Depression Almost Destroyed My Life

How Depression Almost Destroyed My Life

The ugly, dark, and destructive beast known as depression entered my life two years after being diagnosed with psoriasis, which was just months prior to receiving my diagnoses of fibromyalgia and psoriatic arthritis. For years, I refused to acknowledge it because I knew that my doctors, friends, and family would then blame my physical pain on depression and not on my diseases. Did depression increase my pain levels? Yes, but it was not the source of my pain. Sadly, ignoring it only made it worse.

On a killing spree

Depression is deadly. It kills everything in its path, and, if given the opportunity, it takes the life of the one it consumes. It killed my relationships. I refused to discuss my emotional status with my doctor because the first time I did, he acted like that was the source of my physical pain and refused to focus on the true sources. It kept me from discussing my life and feelings with family and friends because I didn’t want to hear that I just needed to get out more or to put on a smile and cheer up. Depression destroyed my social life. Controlling conversations so that I wouldn’t have to share any personal information become tiring. Not being able to keep it up, I stopped taking calls, answering the door, and leaving the house. I avoided social media, with the exception of platforms that my friends and family weren’t on. Then in the summer of 2012, this wretched and disgusting beast almost took my life.

The end of the rope

Because I had become so good at hiding my feelings and emotional pain in public and by hiding out at home, nobody, not even my husband knew just how bad off I was. As I was nearing my breaking point, I shared with my husband that I wanted to die. Okay, it wasn’t actually sharing; I screamed the words at him. Poor guy didn’t know what to say or do. He didn’t see this coming even though it had been boiling inside of me for ten years. I misinterpreted his initial silence as approval when it really was just shock. So I went beyond thinking of ways to end my life and began plotting my death. Before I took the final step, my husband, who I now know was also depressed because of the financial mess we were in, shared some bad news. This is what finally spurred me to reach out to someone. I stormed into my pastor’s office, blubbering and unable to speak coherently. After I calmed down, he listened and sprang into action by immediately addressing our most pressing needs. From there he counseled us and helped us see that our problems, while big, weren’t unsolvable. Knowing how I had treated my chronic illnesses in the past hadn’t worked, he also encouraged me to take a path that I had been debating trying. For years I allowed the stigma of how I now treat my illnesses keep me from going that route. I thank God every day for the push my pastor gave me.

The never-ending battle

My depression began to lift as I began making changes to my treatment plan, went for counseling, and learned to better communicate with my husband. In the course of almost six years, I have gone from being a prisoner of depression to having the beast locked in cage. But he’s a tricky fellow and every once in a while he escapes. Thankfully between therapy and the changes I have made in my life, I now have the strength to tackle him and return him to his cell. He will never leave me, he will always be there whispering in my ear. However, I am no longer his victim; instead, I am a survivor who will never give up fighting for my life.

If you are battling depression, please seek help. You are not alone and no problem is unsolvable. If you are considering suicide please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Psoriatic-Arthritis.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

View Comments (5)
  • imschmarte
    9 months ago

    Wow! Did this one hit home! So sorry you have had to deal with this. I too struggled with the depression from all this other disease/life stuff. I actually got as close as in my car, car running, garage door closed. And waited. And something my mom said to me once kept ringing in my ear, people who commit suicide are cowards! So I shut the car off, called my sister, even though it was 4am, told her what I had just done, and the next morning I was sitting at the doctors office, dragged there by my sister, telling her my story. There IS help out there for depression, you just have to trust yourself or someone else enough to go get it! So glad you got the help you needed also!!

  • Cynthia Covert author
    9 months ago

    I am sorry you know this struggle too and am also thankful you also got the help you needed. Unfortunately depression is something that most don’t want to admit to having. I just hope this article helps someone else reach out for help before it is too late. Hugs!

  • imschmarte
    9 months ago

    I do too Cynthia, and if it helps just one person, it is worth the confession! Hugs to you too, and good luck to you!!

  • VickiN moderator
    9 months ago

    @imschmarte, I’m so appreciative to you for sharing this with us. I think this hits home for a lot of people, and one of the ways we start to heal is to share, connect, and realize we’re not alone. Bottling up everything inside can make us feel like no one else could possibly understand, that we must be the only people feeling this way, and that it’s our cross to bear. We have to reach out for support. I’m so glad you turned toward the light and can help lead people out of their darkness by sharing your journey. Much love,
    -Victoria, Community Moderator

  • imschmarte
    9 months ago

    Thank you VickiN! If this helps ONE person, it is worth revealing. It is not something I talk about a lot, and not something a whole lot of people know. If you knew me, and knew my personality, I would be the last person you would think would even contemplate suicide! But it can happen to ANYONE, and it is nothing to be ashamed about. Get help!! It is out there! Hugs Vicki!

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