I’m often asked how I’m feeling. I get asked how I’m doing, like they will somehow get the magical answer of, “Amazing!” Just once, I’d like to answer that question, just once, just for today, without any filter. I want to answer that seemingly simple question, without any worry that I will be judged. Today I will answer the million dollar question, without any fear that people won’t understand or that I might be alone in my thoughts.
So many feelings
I am “feeling” annoyed that I can’t find the right words. Mad as h*ll that I can’t figure out my thoughts and put them together into words and sentences that might actually make sense. To myself, to others, to no one at all. I have so much to say, and no way to get out everything that is going on inside. I don’t know. I don’t understand. Maybe I don’t want to know.
Let the anger out
Maybe it is anger. Maybe it is just that I am so mad at everything going on. Everything around me. So much that doesn’t make sense that I can’t process without feeling like I’m going to fall off a steep cliff and land smack on my face. I can’t see to the other side of whatever is going on in my mind, in my heart, and all over my body. I can’t hide from the pain. I can’t run from the hurt. I can’t ignore that my body is breaking down right before my eyes and I feel helpless to stop it.
Sometimes, you just need to scream
I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “NO!” I want to lash out at the unfairness of it all. I want to rant and rave that I should be in the prime of my life! I should be living every second chasing my children and being everything that I always wanted to be, everything I worked so hard to become, and so, so much more. There is so much that I want to do, that I see everyone else doing and wonder, “Why?” Why can’t I just wake up one morning, just one, and not think to myself, “Will it ever go away?” Will I ever feel normal again?”
No. No, I won’t. I won’t ever feel normal again. I should be okay with that. I should learn to accept it. I should learn to take what I can get, those moments when my body doesn’t feel “so” bad, and just focus on that. Hold on to the positive, count my blessings, and be strong.
But what if today, I don’t feel strong? What if today, I want to crawl under the covers and give into not only the physical pain, but the weight of the emotional burden as well. Today I want to resign myself to accept what this disease as done to my life, my body, my family. Today, I am so tired of fighting. I need a break.
It isn’t really me talking
I know this isn’t like me. I’m the positive one. The one that always says, “Keep up the good fight.” I’m the one who puts a smile on my face and assures myself just as much as everyone else that, “Yes, I’ll be fine.”
So today, as the morning sunlight starts to stream through the curtains and every joint in my body aches, just like every other day, I’ll push the covers off and leave the anger behind. I will begin like I always do, “Dear Lord, thank you for this day…”.