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PsA Related Anger: Better Out Than In?

I’m often asked how I’m feeling. I get asked how I’m doing, like they will somehow get the magical answer of, “Amazing!” Just once, I’d like to answer that question, just once, just for today, without any filter. I want to answer that seemingly simple question, without any worry that I will be judged. Today I will answer the million dollar question, without any fear that people won’t understand or that I might be alone in my thoughts.

So many feelings

I am “feeling” annoyed that I can’t find the right words. Mad as h*ll that I can’t figure out my thoughts and put them together into words and sentences that might actually make sense. To myself, to others, to no one at all. I have so much to say, and no way to get out everything that is going on inside. I don’t know. I don’t understand. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Let the anger out

Maybe it is anger. Maybe it is just that I am so mad at everything going on. Everything around me. So much that doesn’t make sense that I can’t process without feeling like I’m going to fall off a steep cliff and land smack on my face. I can’t see to the other side of whatever is going on in my mind, in my heart, and all over my body. I can’t hide from the pain. I can’t run from the hurt. I can’t ignore that my body is breaking down right before my eyes and I feel helpless to stop it.

Sometimes, you just need to scream

I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “NO!” I want to lash out at the unfairness of it all. I want to rant and rave that I should be in the prime of my life! I should be living every second chasing my children and being everything that I always wanted to be, everything I worked so hard to become, and so, so much more. There is so much that I want to do, that I see everyone else doing and wonder, “Why?” Why can’t I just wake up one morning, just one, and not think to myself, “Will it ever go away?” Will I ever feel normal again?”

No. No, I won’t. I won’t ever feel normal again. I should be okay with that. I should learn to accept it. I should learn to take what I can get, those moments when my body doesn’t feel “so” bad, and just focus on that. Hold on to the positive, count my blessings, and be strong.

But what if today, I don’t feel strong? What if today, I want to crawl under the covers and give into not only the physical pain, but the weight of the emotional burden as well. Today I want to resign myself to accept what this disease as done to my life, my body, my family. Today, I am so tired of fighting. I need a break.

It isn’t really me talking

I know this isn’t like me. I’m the positive one. The one that always says, “Keep up the good fight.” I’m the one who puts a smile on my face and assures myself just as much as everyone else that, “Yes, I’ll be fine.”

So today, as the morning sunlight starts to stream through the curtains and every joint in my body aches, just like every other day, I’ll push the covers off and leave the anger behind. I will begin like I always do, “Dear Lord, thank you for this day…”.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Psoriatic-Arthritis.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

  • LeslieM
    2 months ago

    This is a daily struggle and I would LOVE to actually say how I really feel when someone greets me at work with the standard “How are you?” pleasantries.
    I need a day to give in, to not have to be our sole income, and to be able to stay in bed and say “I feel like garbage today.” I’m tired of having to play a part and wear a “happy mask” all the time.

  • Mitchoff
    3 months ago

    Thank you, Leanne. Yep, I’m the positive one too. But I do want to crawl in bed and stay some days. I had a period of my life where I had no choice but to crawl back in bed after the kids went to school and stay until they got home. So now I know, everyday I can get out of bed is a gift. I even work full time. I have an amazing doctor that kept fighting and trying until we found the right med. Changing my diet helped too (eliminated gluten and beans), but I really need to get back to eating better overall.

  • Leanne Donaldson author
    3 months ago

    There are certainly periods of difficulty and gratitude @mitchoff aren’t there? I suppose we just do the best with what we are given each day. I am so glad that you were able to find a good doctor, they do make all the difference in the world!
    I’ve noticed a difference with dietary changes as well, gluten and dairy are totally the devil for me 😉
    Being able to work makes a big difference with PsA, not only financially, but I think for our morale as well. Sending you gentle hugs from one parent to another today, even if your kiddos are a little older, we never stop being parents. -Leanne, Author

  • brendiejean22
    3 months ago

    Has anyone had any luck with methotrexate? I’ve been on it since January, first pills, now injections and I have been in a flare up since December! How long before I see or feel relief? My joints are extremely swollen and I hurt all the time!!

  • Leanne Donaldson author
    3 months ago

    Hello @brendiejean22 🙂 Great question! I didn’t have much luck with methotrexate, but I only did the pills and then switched to a biologic (Remicade). Here is a discussion in our forum that you might be interested in https://psoriatic-arthritis.com/topic/new-to-group/#post-12480
    Or you can post your question in our Q&A section. https://psoriatic-arthritis.com/q-and-a/

    We have a great community here, always happy to help any way we are able. Generally speaking with mtx, it does take quite a while to possibly notice a difference and (I know it is frustrating) but everyone responds differently. I would certainly check with your doctor about your flare and response to the methotrexate. They might be able to prescribe some steroids to get you over the flare. At least that’s my experience (I’m sure you know we are not able or qualified to give medical advice.)
    I know the constant pain can be physically and mentally draining- sending you gentle hugs today! -Leanne, Author

  • bmajor1
    5 months ago

    Yes, I to deal with this daily… throw the covers off and say how can I begin this day, it’s a struggle I have PSA and Fibromyalgia as well as other issues. But still have to work. I am asked everyday how I’m feeling… answer SoSo, not good or sometimes not very often,today is a good day this doesn’t mean I’m not in pain it means the pain level is down. It is very frustrating and unfair but have to keep on going.

  • Leanne Donaldson author
    4 months ago

    I hear you @bmajor1 ! It IS frustrating and unfair that some days we have to continue to fight our way through our days when all we really want to do is lay down and turn everything off for a while.
    I know when people ask me how I’m doing, that they mean well, and in most cases are genuinely interested in my answer. But sometimes coming up with a response just makes me sad and even angry. Dealing with the pain one day or even two days is one thing, but day after day after day is when it all gets to be too much. I hear you and I understand. You are not in this alone. Sending you gentle hugs today as we both just keep on going. -Leanne, Author

  • carabella
    7 months ago

    Powerful and very well said. You hit on every emotion. “Leave the anger behind.” My new motto!

  • Leanne Donaldson author
    3 months ago

    Thank you for your thoughtful comment @carabella 🙂 I need the reminder myself today- I’m thinking about writing it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder. How are you doing today? -Leanne, Author

  • kanmore1
    8 months ago

    Great read. I can absolutely relate. It’s comforting to know there are others who feel the same. Once…would you tell someone who asked “how are you feeling?”, the words you just said? If so, could you post (video) their reaction? This would make me happier than a dose of Humira, side of Meth(otrexate) and dash of cbd oil!

  • Rebecca moderator
    7 months ago

    I would love to see those videos!!!!!!!

  • kouselyah
    8 months ago

    I’ve recently been feeling the aches and stiffness. I have given out my blood for testing, but yet to know the result… however, I have Psoriasis on my skins.. and i feel you… its a battle that we will win everyday… only those who’ve walked in it… knows the ‘joy’ of successfully lying down at night being grateful of everything that we manage to accomplish during the day…

  • alexanderlonda
    4 months ago

    I am wondering if you have gotten the results back from the blood tests. I will soon be going to a Rheumatologist for tests.

  • imschmarte
    8 months ago

    Leanne, all of us here know how you feel!! These diseases really suck, and it is not fair that people our ages are out having fun, and I can’t speak for everyone, but for my life, the fun has been sucked out of it like an airplane when the door opens in flight!! LOL I feel for my husband, who is mostly healthy, and he sits here with his lump of a wife. And still tries to help. Sorry, not normally this emotional, but your article hit a sore spot. But as you pointed out, all we can do each morning, is say ‘Thank you Lord for another day’.

  • rjnavarre
    8 months ago

    I know your pain. I don’t have a good plan to solve all our body pain. I do believe that if we can reduce or remove external stressors like family arguments, this could help control flare ups.

  • John4ns
    1 year ago

    I frequently ask if the inquirer wants a short snappy answer or a long, detailed one. Response is usually the first, but the answer is always the same in either case, “Just age appropriate complaints” The main benefit is that I don’t have to listen their list of ailments.

  • Eurotrekker
    1 year ago

    Leanne, I understand completely! I have PsA along with several other illnesses. I get angry at myself, at the limitations of my body, at the plans of my future being jerked out from under me, at the financial and physical Independence eroding, at the doctors diagnosing me with a new ailment upon nearly every visit, with the terms of: unique, different, strange, 1%er, one for the med books, special, high risk, complicated, problem patient, weird, or just plain hmm, when describing my system and reactions to medications. I sometimes want to scream, too. It’s too complicated to explain how some days I feel less restricted and can actually move my joints (though never without pain) and other days I’m like the rusted tin man from the Wizard of Oz, but with much more pain. However, like you, I mostly smile and say I’m doing ok. After,all, when I’m having a bad day, no one sees me. I, too, try to be encouraging to others. I try not to be envious of those my age or older enjoying their active lives. Sometimes I want to scream, “Please just let me be normal!”
    Now the encouraging part….Leeanne, you are not alone. There is a select group of us who understand you 100%. I pray your good days far outnumber your bad days.
    God bless. Lynda

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