PsA Related Anger: Better Out Than In?

I’m often asked how I’m feeling. I get asked how I’m doing, like they will somehow get the magical answer of, “Amazing!” Just once, I’d like to answer that question, just once, just for today, without any filter. I want to answer that seemingly simple question, without any worry that I will be judged. Today I will answer the million dollar question, without any fear that people won’t understand or that I might be alone in my thoughts.

So many feelings

I am “feeling” annoyed that I can’t find the right words. Mad as h*ll that I can’t figure out my thoughts and put them together into words and sentences that might actually make sense. To myself, to others, to no one at all. I have so much to say, and no way to get out everything that is going on inside. I don’t know. I don’t understand. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Let the anger out

Maybe it is anger. Maybe it is just that I am so mad at everything going on. Everything around me. So much that doesn’t make sense that I can’t process without feeling like I’m going to fall off a steep cliff and land smack on my face. I can’t see to the other side of whatever is going on in my mind, in my heart, and all over my body. I can’t hide from the pain. I can’t run from the hurt. I can’t ignore that my body is breaking down right before my eyes and I feel helpless to stop it.

Sometimes, you just need to scream

I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “NO!” I want to lash out at the unfairness of it all. I want to rant and rave that I should be in the prime of my life! I should be living every second chasing my children and being everything that I always wanted to be, everything I worked so hard to become, and so, so much more. There is so much that I want to do, that I see everyone else doing and wonder, “Why?” Why can’t I just wake up one morning, just one, and not think to myself, “Will it ever go away?” Will I ever feel normal again?”

No. No, I won’t. I won’t ever feel normal again. I should be okay with that. I should learn to accept it. I should learn to take what I can get, those moments when my body doesn’t feel “so” bad, and just focus on that. Hold on to the positive, count my blessings, and be strong.

But what if today, I don’t feel strong? What if today, I want to crawl under the covers and give into not only the physical pain, but the weight of the emotional burden as well. Today I want to resign myself to accept what this disease as done to my life, my body, my family. Today, I am so tired of fighting. I need a break.

It isn’t really me talking

I know this isn’t like me. I’m the positive one. The one that always says, “Keep up the good fight.” I’m the one who puts a smile on my face and assures myself just as much as everyone else that, “Yes, I’ll be fine.”

So today, as the morning sunlight starts to stream through the curtains and every joint in my body aches, just like every other day, I’ll push the covers off and leave the anger behind. I will begin like I always do, “Dear Lord, thank you for this day…”.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The Psoriatic-Arthritis.com team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

View Comments (7)
  • kanmore1
    3 weeks ago

    Great read. I can absolutely relate. It’s comforting to know there are others who feel the same. Once…would you tell someone who asked “how are you feeling?”, the words you just said? If so, could you post (video) their reaction? This would make me happier than a dose of Humira, side of Meth(otrexate) and dash of cbd oil!

  • Rebecca moderator
    1 week ago

    I would love to see those videos!!!!!!!

  • kouselyah
    3 weeks ago

    I’ve recently been feeling the aches and stiffness. I have given out my blood for testing, but yet to know the result… however, I have Psoriasis on my skins.. and i feel you… its a battle that we will win everyday… only those who’ve walked in it… knows the ‘joy’ of successfully lying down at night being grateful of everything that we manage to accomplish during the day…

  • imschmarte
    4 weeks ago

    Leanne, all of us here know how you feel!! These diseases really suck, and it is not fair that people our ages are out having fun, and I can’t speak for everyone, but for my life, the fun has been sucked out of it like an airplane when the door opens in flight!! LOL I feel for my husband, who is mostly healthy, and he sits here with his lump of a wife. And still tries to help. Sorry, not normally this emotional, but your article hit a sore spot. But as you pointed out, all we can do each morning, is say ‘Thank you Lord for another day’.

  • rjnavarre
    1 month ago

    I know your pain. I don’t have a good plan to solve all our body pain. I do believe that if we can reduce or remove external stressors like family arguments, this could help control flare ups.

  • John4ns
    11 months ago

    I frequently ask if the inquirer wants a short snappy answer or a long, detailed one. Response is usually the first, but the answer is always the same in either case, “Just age appropriate complaints” The main benefit is that I don’t have to listen their list of ailments.

  • Eurotrekker
    11 months ago

    Leanne, I understand completely! I have PsA along with several other illnesses. I get angry at myself, at the limitations of my body, at the plans of my future being jerked out from under me, at the financial and physical Independence eroding, at the doctors diagnosing me with a new ailment upon nearly every visit, with the terms of: unique, different, strange, 1%er, one for the med books, special, high risk, complicated, problem patient, weird, or just plain hmm, when describing my system and reactions to medications. I sometimes want to scream, too. It’s too complicated to explain how some days I feel less restricted and can actually move my joints (though never without pain) and other days I’m like the rusted tin man from the Wizard of Oz, but with much more pain. However, like you, I mostly smile and say I’m doing ok. After,all, when I’m having a bad day, no one sees me. I, too, try to be encouraging to others. I try not to be envious of those my age or older enjoying their active lives. Sometimes I want to scream, “Please just let me be normal!”
    Now the encouraging part….Leeanne, you are not alone. There is a select group of us who understand you 100%. I pray your good days far outnumber your bad days.
    God bless. Lynda

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